Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Just like we did last season, we wanted to branch out to the many fantastic bloggers in the NHL. Today is part 1 of what should be an interesting look into the worlds of other bloggers. We figured there is no better way to get to know a team than through the people that follow them the most.

Today is [Battle Of California] day, and first up is Rudy Kelly.
After [last year's preview,] we asked Rudy to come back for another swing.
And he does not disappoint.
If you were a Kings fan, you would be as twisted as Rudy is.

We kind of dig it, in that extremely homoerotic way.
Rudy enjoys using the F bomb, so if you are easily offended, kill yourself.

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"You think that's a threat? If you think you can make my life any worse, you go right ahead. Be my fucking guest. Take a shot."

-Willie


The Kings are fucking terrible. There's no amount of sugar coating that will change that. The Kings haven't been to the playoffs in 5 seasons now, but just as each snowflake is special in its own little way, so too is each season miserable and full of pants-shittingly inept management. There was 2002-03, where the Kings lost 2/3 of their top line for almost the entire season; there was 2005-06, where the Kings were in the middle of the playoff hunt, traded 2 top prospects for Mark Parrish and Brent Sopel, then proceeded to lose 10 out of their last 11games to finish in the lottery; oh, and then there was last year, where, after sitting in last place for pretty much the entire year, the Kings got surprisingly stout goaltending by Erik Ersberg to finish 2nd in the lottery ahead of Tampa Bay, thus losing out on Steve Stamkos. It's funny, in that "Holocaust Survivor Dies in Shower Accident" sort of way.


The one good thing about the past 2 seasons for the Kings is that they've been trying to suck. Say what you want about the Kings, but at least they're trying to hit bottom. I'd much rather finish in the bottom 5 and get a great young player than finish 3 points out of a playoff spot every year. The Kings tried to cobble together a competitive team out of a core of Lubomir Visnovsky-Mike Cammalleri-Alex Frolov-Tom Preissing-Brad Stuart last season to maybe make the playoffs, but that shockingly didn't work. The Kings figured they weren't going to make the playoffs with that and traded away Cammalleri and Visnovsky for players that will be contributors 2 or 3 years down the road,when Anze Kopitar and Jack Johnson are ready to carry the load. Of course, a major motivation for that Visnovsky trade was the assumption that two of Brad Stuart/Brooks Orpik/Rob Blake would sign with the Kings. That didn't happen. Now the Kings' defense looks like this:

Jack Johnson-Tom Preissing
Matt Greene-Peter Harrold
Denis Gauthier-Drew Doughty

Whoops!

Yep, it's hard being a Kings fan. It was easier when I was a kid and the Kings sucked because all I cared about was getting one goal to celebrate and maybe a fight to watch. It's hard to appreciate those simpler pleasures now that I'm older, just like treehouses and handjobs.*

*A handjob is like when you scratch a lottery ticket and see "Winner!" but then you keep scratching and it turns out all you've won is another lottery ticket. Yeah, you won something, but if you had known at the beginning that was all you'd win you probably wouldn't have scratched in the first place.

Still, there are a few things on the Kings that keep me from killing myself:


1) Gin.



2) Dustin Brown-Anze Kopitar-Patrick O'Sullivan. The Kings' probable top line is quick, talented, and oh so good. Anze Kopitar is amazing and way, way, way better than Jordan Staal. Patrick O'Sullivan is a sniper that developed a solid two-way game last season; a good comparison for what he could be is Jason Pominville. Dustin Brown is a stone cold badass that kills men and wins blogger's hearts. Plus, if you go here you can see his dick. (That's my homepage, oddly enough.) I'm thinking of naming them the Maxi-PAD line, since their first letters match up and they always give maximum effort on every shift. My roommate (a Ducks fan) thought it was a great idea, so I may run with it.


3) Alex Frolov. I like to call Frolov "3/4 Datsyuk." Both are Russian, both are excellent at setting up goals, both are accomplished at stealing the puck, it's just that Datsyuk is better. Frolov will be a free agent in two years and he'll look great next to Malkin when he leaves the Kings because they suck. Dammit, I keep doing that. My therapist is going to be pissed.


4) Prospects! The Kings got prospects coming out the ass. Brian Boyle, Ted Purcell and Matt Moulson are all in their early 20s and should bring speed and offense to the Kings' bottom six. Drew Doughty will probably make the team this season and will provide a little spark on the power play. Then there's Colten Teubert (who is like Chris Pronger in that he is a douche bag), Thomas Hickey, Oscar Moller, Wayne Simmonds, Jonathan Bernier, Trevor Lewis, Jeff Zatkoff, etc. It's the only thing that keeps me going, and if one of them busts I swear to God I will paint my entire apartment complex in blood.

Pittsburgh City Hall

5) I don't live in Pittsburgh. Pennsylvania is the Britain of the United States, in that it's only relevant because it used to be important. Oh really, Ben Franklin invented bifocals there, that's great, now go away so the big boys can actually contribute to the economy. I visited Pittsburgh once and thought it was surprisingly nice; of course, that was when I thought Three Mile Island was in Pittsburgh and had actually destroyed half the city in a nuclear disaster. Everyone there was fat and pale and there were too many polo shirts and hats with bills bent way too far and puca shell necklaces. I'd rather be eaten alive by coyotes than live in Pittsburgh. I'd say Pittsburgh is the 4th worst NHL city, behind Edmonton (too cold), Nashville (too Southern), and Atlanta (black people make me uncomfortable). Gettysburg was cool, though.


6) When you've hit bottom you feel so... free. You guys should know what I'm talking about. When your team is legitimately terrible, there's not much anyone can do to you. I can say whatever I want and nobody is really going to mind because hey, my team is terrible. It's like how a homeless person can get away with smelling terrible and yelling at random strangers; what are you going to do to him, take away his cart? It's also nice because no trash talk can get to me. Talk about how Kopitar looks like a raccoon, insinuate the Kings are going to move, I don't care. Nothing can make me feel as terrible as how I feel when I watch the Kings play.

Those who are still reading (hi Mom!) are probably wondering why I haven't mentioned Jarret Stoll or anything about goaltending; you're probably also wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I didn't mention those other things for 2 reasons: one, I'm not good at this, and two, it doesn't really matter. The Kings aren't making the playoffs this season. All that matters is that no one gets seriously injured and the young players continue to progress into great NHL'ers. It's not easy when you know your team has no shot, but I have a special way to cope. I put on my shades, take my 5 minute drive to the beach, soak in some rays, and stomp a little girl's sand castle. Hey, we all grieve in different ways.


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We're pretty sure one of our pending EASHL teams could beat the Kings, but whatev.
Like Rudy mentioned, Dustin Brown is the next big thing, and we have always like Frolov.
Jack Johnson is a beast. Another year for him to mature is not a bad thing.

But until they get a goalie, the Kings ain't going nowhere.
They are a year away, which is not a bad thing.
They could remind a lot of people of last year's Coyotes team.


Projection: 12-15th place.

23 comments:

snickerdoodles said...

Am I the first to say dude needs a hug?

jefe mays said...

and a slap in the face.

good stuff though!

Beav said...

You know he's right, I was going to job him but then figured watching the Kings 82 times a year is punishment enough.

The Goon Blogger said...

Any person who still is ballsy enough to say they're a fan of the Kings is respectable.

Course, it's probably just all that smog in LA fucking with his head.

RudyKelly said...

Dammit, I forgot to make fun of Dave Wannstedt. It's always something.

BlacknGold66 said...

That guy has a lot of hate in his blood. I guess it's understandable since he has to follow the Kings every season.


I'm late on this... but Happy Birthday Pensblog. It's been fun going along for the ride with yinz even if cblog has died over the past few months. Such comes with fame I suppose.


In other news... I can't believe how many people are still upset over Hossa. (see comments from last post)

Get over it.

Pops Freshenmeyer said...

Dammit, I forgot to make fun of Dave Wannstedt. It's always something.

I think Pitt football fans are in that same "hitting rock bottom" boat that Kings fans are in. The only difference is that Pitt fans only have to watch their team be terrible about a dozen times a season.

TheFandangler said...

Frolov = Beast.

...and you're right. Our EASHL team would lay waste to them poop tubes.

Dan said...

watching the kings is worse than watching a dave wannstache coached college football team. at least we have some hope for contention, unlike the queens, who are dead in the water before the first shot is even fired.

akus said...

Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuudee.Ruuuuuuuuuudee.


Loved the pic's & thank god for juniper berries.

dying alive said...

full of pants-shittingly inept management

Imagine my surprise at finding out that I've been working for the Los Angeles Kings for the past six years.

shawnawwwesome said...

Today is part 1 of what should be an interesting look into the worlds of other bloggers.

Ah, the lazy copy and paste approach. I have a feeling the staff's gonna have nothing but part 1's of this series.

---

I'd say Pittsburgh is the 4th worst NHL city...

Still more appealing to a certain titan of the league than the prospect of Kansas City, so... um... take that. Yeah.

dying alive said...

Pittsburgh totally blows. We don't even have proper street gangs.

J.S. said...

Dude may have hated on Pittsburgh, but the feeling is mutual towards Los Angeles. I pray daily that God (not Godard) shakes Cali daily until it falls into the Pacific.

With that said, he can hate with the best of them so if it were up to me, I'd say he's more than welcome around here.

snickerdoodles said...

@bng,
I'm not upset over Mary Ann Horsa. But I will job him for the rest of his miserable life! Okay, at least until lunchtime.

Hockey News Detroit:

Mary Ann Horsa is pleased to announce his new position with the Detroit Redwings. He will be a key player on the team because someone has to massage Zetterberg's drinking arm, those locker rooms don't clean themselves up, and who do ya think is gonna wash those jockstraps?

Okay, it's lunchtime!!!

Vern said...

I'm guessing that Charlie spurned Rudy's advances on his last California trip.

Angelo said...

Isn't Pittsburgh the most liveable city in the United States? Didn't that just come out last year from some national organization? But hey, if someone's going to hate, then someone is going to hate.

Also, no way Pittsburgh is the 4th worst hockey town. What about Dallas, Columbus, Miami, NYI, New Jersey (in addition to the three other cities he mentioned). Ugh, NJ has to be the absolute worst.

Hopefully he doesn't drown in his own tears...he seems like a funny dude and I think he'll find his team to be rather competitive in 3 or 4 years.

J.S. said...

NYI is awful, and you might as well include NYC. I have yet to see a single promo up here to show that there's any life inside of MSG. No Henrik, no Redden, nobody, nothing. No billboards, no commercials, no radio spots, not even any buzz from the people that I deal with daily. Hell, at least I saw an Isles commercial in the last two weeks.

Ksy92003 said...

I've been reading Battle of California for a while, and never noticed Brown's.. "assets". I could live my whole life without seeing that clip.

The creepy thing: you can stop the video exactly at 1:40 without playing and pausing the clip and get the still picture.

HELLO NIGHTMARES!!

fleuryous said...

Okay, that guy was pretty sweet--not going to lie.

I laughed. At least he's honest and loyal.

Kudos.

Whistler said...

Fukufuji.. LOL.. The paper groin as those who have seen him play for a couple years would say.

We were the AA team for the Kings for 7 years and the entire organization is a JOKE! They are the badluck schleprock of the hockey world. They suck suck suck!!

Whistler said...

@ Dying Alive

You work the for the Kings? Nice musical selections on your profile..

Alexander Dubcek said...

Well done, Rudy. You really hit the right notes, even if some missed the tongue-in-cheek quality.

Also, the Wannstedt thing reminded me of listening to my Pitt alum brother-in-law lament the Wannstedt era. Well played, sir.

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