Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Melt Our Balls Off Part II

Every so often we search "Pensblog" on Google just to see what's going on.

Imagine our surprise when we found out that one of the writers from [ MeltYourFaceOff ] has a beef.

In his cleverly titled July 28th post, [ Back To Basics: Fuck You Pittsburgh ],
writer Reasonablejoke has this to say.

[Note: We could not find a picture,
so we have asked an angry monkey to play the role of Reasonablejoke.]

"A little over a year ago, I posted an article talking about Hockey Jesus’ contract extension. Granted my writing wasn’t the best (the blog had been open less than a week), but the premise remains the same. Crosby, and his sweater, took a paycut in order for the Penguins to sign some talent to hover around him so he can win a cup."

"Of course, the Pensblog jackbags invaded and got into a tizzy, demanding my head because I neglected to re-iterate that “signing some talent” included re-signing the talent already on the team. So, a year later, let’s see what happened."

-- Looks like he was talking about the time
he said signing Crosby would be the end of the Penguins. [Melt Your Balls Off]

In fact, let's revisit a sample:

"Crosby, born 8/7/87, wearing number 87, signed for $8.7 million a year. How quaint. The problem here is that Crosby, who is now the youngest player ever to be made captain of his team, restructured his deal to make almost 2 million less than he could have, with the sole intent that the cap space would go to re-sign his teammates coming up as Unrestricted Free Agents soon, and to bring in the missing piece or two to the team’s hopeful Cup Run. But, who have the Pens signed since Crosby signed his contract?

Last week they re-signed ColbyAnderson who is another young whippersnapper
that Pens fans feel is a vital cog in the machine."

You can read the rest here: [Poop]
We still want to know who Colby Anderson is.

So, in his latest attempt at humor/analysis,
Reasonablejoke breaks down the Penguins:

  • The Pens traded for Dupuis and Hossa, both of whom contributed to the Cup run, which ultimately failed.
  • The Pens lock up Malkin for the next five years.
  • Hossa bolts the team so fast he leaves skidmarks, because they couldn’t meet his price demand.
  • Fleury re-signs for seven years
  • a full third of the team bolts, most of them signing with the Bolts (See what I did there?)
Given all that, the Pens have eleven forwards signed, which is below the bare minimum, given four lines of three players each. They also have six D-Men making at least 2 million a year. Add in that Fleury’s only back-up had a whopping .904 Save % last year over 24 games.
Now let’s review: Staal remains unsigned, the team is below the bare minimums in key positions, overpaying D-Men left and right, and have no coverage if their goalie goes down (again).

Oh yeah, by the way? You’re less than three million under the cap. Good luck, fuck-os.
The Lightning called to say thanks for half your team.


We haven't seen anyone this mad since Cole Trickle lost to Cary Elwes in Days of Thunder.


Since this post is about three weeks old, we can't really say much.

Ryan Malone, Gary Roberts, Adam Hall, and Mark Recchi.

"The Lightning called to say thanks for half your team."

Well, Ray Shero called back to thank them for the draft picks they gave us when they could have signed the same guys for nothing less than two days later.

If the Pens would have signed any of those guys
to the egregious contracts the Lightning did, we'd be hearing about it, anyway.

We could run this guy out of the building all day, but let's face it,
seeing the lack of research on his side takes the fun out of it.

It's just an invariable truth that some people resent Crosby, which means they resent the Pens.
We don't even want to reread his stuff, but did he mention signing Malkin long-term?
Malkin being another player taking a paycut to stay on a young, up-and-coming team?
Why not throw Malkin under the same bus? Weird.



[Elliot L]

Keep the Gretzky 'shops coming.
The ones we've been getting in are nothing short of amazing.

[Nate B]


Curtis Sanford is looking for someone to design his new mask for free so he's turned to Al Gore to get it done. Download the template at [ Canucks.com ] and submit your own design.

[ Mirtle ] is making the call-to-arms for the blogosphere to take control of this contest. Just look at how the Bettman photoshops at Puck Daddy went.
Here at tPB we were made for something like this.

Email materials to [mirtle@gmail.com].

"I'm looking forward to all of them as long as they are tasteful and everything."

well . . . maybe not


Funniest goal celebrations:

[Thanks to Hockey Fan]


:: [ Puck Daddy ]'s Greg Wyshynski was inteviewed over at [ The Hockey News ], talking about his New Jersey Devils and about hockey blogging and it's future.

:: [Faceoff Factor] has the NHL preseason schedule.

:: Pittgirl is googling the Steelers. [BurghBlog]

:: Earl Sleek in mid-season form. [Battle of California]

:: Solid article on the growth of hockey. [Bleacher report]



Phelps continued his quest for 8 gold medals last night in the 200-meter freestyle.
Competition was stiff, but he LaRusso'd it.

3 for 3. The 200 butterfly and 800 free relay are coming shortly.

[ Yahoo! ]


[ This Ain't Over. PENS LOSE]

4 - 3

he Pens fed off it, and late in the first, they got some good chances.

They went nuts in the Flyers zone.
Ryan Whitney with a nice pass to Sydor. Sydor finds Malkin.
Ruutu has it somewhere in there and gets jobbed by Hatcher.

Malkin kicks it around. Shot.


The Pens keep up the hard work and draw a penalty a minute later.

But with time running down in the first, Ryan Malone gets called for goaltender interference, which is odd, because we didn't know they called that penalty in Philadelphia
The PK steps up big time and kill it.
But Gonch has a hiccup and gives the puck up.

Some dude gets it over to Mike Richards. Richards finds Tom Jones.


After the goal, Max Talbot flips out and breaks his stick on the post.
Good times.

Things looked bleak ad the Flyers kept coming.
After the teams skate 4-0n-4, Derian Hatcher runs Conk.
Guess you are allowed to do that now.

The refs make-up the call a minute later by calling Mrs. Danielle Briere on a goalie-interference call.
Briere goes to the penalty box and opens the door, which was the most hard work he did all night.

The Pens powerplay wastes no time.
Malkin to Whitney. Whitney drops it to Gonch.
One-timer, Sykora deflects it past Biron. 2-2

As the period is coming to an end, all hell breaks loose.

It all starts when Steve Downie is going to the boards.
BGL "hits" Downie from behind. Downie goes down like he has been shot.

The net was jarred loose when Staal flew into it.
We go to the War Room. Goal. 3-3

What a huge goal.
But, again, it would not last for long.

What would a game without Mike Knuble scoring be like?


Shortly after that, the wheels almost come off when Mike Richards has a wide-open net to shoot at.
Luckily for us, people with egregious contracts stop caring after getting their money.

Father Time enters the building as the Pens have a few good shifts.
Filewhich played a solid hockey game.
He nearly scores his first NHL goal, but Biron says no.

Before you know it, there is under five minutes to play.
The Pens can't get anything going.

Ryan Malone gets called for something. Awful call.

End it.


[Picture+3.<span class=

Great sign in name.



[Michael W]

"Pittsburgh has a great team, great people, great organization. I had to compare the two teams, and there's a little better chance to win the Cup in Detroit. I had a great time with Sid and playing on the power play with Geno [Evgeni Malkin], but the team in Detroit is something special. I know it's a short term, but we never talked about a one-year [deal] with Pittsburgh. We just talked about a long-term deal. I totally believe Detroit has the kind of team that can win it again."

--Hossa 3:16--


Stoosh's countdown:

Go Pens


Dan said...

first woo!

snickerdoodles said...

#2 is #1 if you are a pencil

Russell Lucas said...

I love that until now nobody in the world even read that sad little rant at MYFO. Look at the comments-- other than a couple of mouth-breathing haters who woke up in the morning looking to bust on the Pens, there's only evidence that one Pens fan read that post. It kinda sucks when you go to the trouble of writing a big rant only to have the fans of the target totally ignore you.

In other words, hahaha.

sh0ez said...

My last few posts have gone unresponded, so maybe this one will work! Hah.

I finished work on three IHA Project jersey sets. However, I found out that the jerseys are no longer going to be part of it. Oh well. Either way, it gave me some more experience. Any feedback would rule.

Atlanta Fire Jersey Set.

Philadelphia Titans Jersey Set.

Pittsburgh Miners Jersey Set.

I know they have nothing to do with here. I don't have much "rep" over at Icethetics, so I never get a response. Woo.

That MeltYourBallsOff blog is lame. If you're going to job someone, do it right and do it with facts. Dicks.

shawnawwwesome said...

Why is Geno kneeing that official in the nuts? Seems unnecessarily antagonistic.

In Russia, ref knee you.

Also, my Sanford goalie mask would have a mural of Redd Foxx wrestling a demon grizzly, and would have a small propane tank mounted in the back of the mask and two jets near the mouth to shoot flames out at regular intervals. And lasers. Lots and lots of lasers.

Don't anyone steal my idea.

aunt penny said...

shop at the top---thought it was Rod Stewart at first.

TheFandangler said...

I was thinking about fire and lasers for my Sanford goalie mask.

Hip said...

Bolting to the Bolts?

That's Pulitzer worthy right there.

I mean...

Anthony said...

Phelps is Crosby-ing the Olympics.

Pops Freshenmeyer said...

Hey, you know what would be cool on Sanford's mask? Fire and lasers.

TheFandangler said...

Pops don't be bogartin' my ideas. They're the coolest.

shawnawwwesome said...

The joke's on you guys because I purposely left out the best mask feature:

Sidemounted speakers with a kickass woofer blasting out BTO's "Takin' Care of Business" at epic decibel levels.

Fleury29 said...

Ah... C-Blog. It's good to be home. After a virus took down my computer, I only had a Windows Mobile 6 device which, for some reason, wouldn't allow me to comment. To say nothing of the fact that tPB is blocked at work.

Well, I'm back.

Solid post today, thanks for keeping life bearable in the summer heat.

J.S. said...

First thing I thought of when I saw that contest was Redd Foxx, but there's no grizzly bear involved.

dying alive said...

Wait...I thought Flyers fans didn't care about the Pens?

Dan said...

looking on the burgh blog, i cannot say enough just how great the paper pro stapler is. it has changed my life. the engineering that went into designing this beast was top notch. i have no doubt in my mind that this stapler will bring about world peace.

Flyer Hater said...

"Wait...I thought Flyers fans didn't care about the Pens?"

It's really comical. Most of their fans are almost embarrassed to admit there's a rivalry between the Pens and Flyers. They still try to carry on this charade that the Debbies or Rags are their biggest rivals.

The Prince of Wales Trophy says otherwise


debrisslide said...

I love people ranting incoherently about teams they hate and expecting to be taken seriously. . .it's like such a big deal!

Rage said...

No phoning it in today, staff....nice work. Loved the celebrations vid! In the Army, we had a term or two for folks like the rabid hater...shitstick...dickneck...maybe a couple more; but I'm with russell lucas...damn shame about all that hate and vitriol and creative and imaginative writing going unnoticed.(Insert hahaha here)

Face it guys, if you had all the hormones, but were born sans sexual organs, you would be like that guy too. Let's take the high road here and try to understand his festering resentment and relative inability to deal with statistical/factual reality and his lower than average communication skills and....meh... FUGGIM!!

@sh0ez...nice work!

Pops Freshenmeyer said...

Sidemounted speakers with a kickass woofer blasting out BTO's "Takin' Care of Business" at epic decibel levels.

"Who are those pleasant old men?"
"Don't you know anything? That's BTO! They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was 'TCB'. That's the way we talked in the '70s, because we were always in a hurry."

"Play Takin' Care of Business!"
"We will, but first we'd like to play a couple of songs off our new al--"
"No! No talk, no new crap, just Takin' Care of Business!"

Dan said...

and deadspin put those guys in charge of nhl recaps, wonderful........

at least you don't have to blow someone to post on the boards here

Jonny Van Mundegaarde said...


Carroll said...

@shoez - great job!

Lady Jaye said...

Ah cblog, how I love thee.

shawnawwwesome said...

@Pops - HJS knows his classic rock.

@5h03z - Your jerseys need more grizzly.

@Dan - That's not what I was told.

Lady Jaye said...

@sh0ez > Amazing jerseys there... some NHL teams should hire you as a consultant as the of the ones you have there are better than what is on ice.

Angry said...

I'm actually pissed that you used an angry monkey to represent Reasonable Joke. As a part of the Angry Monkey Lobby in Washington, D.C., I forcefully request that you change that picture immediately. It's offensive to angry monkeys in the Pittsburgh area and worldwide.

The Angry Monkey Lobby.

BlacknGold66 said...

Seeing the Olympics and "Winter In The Sun" every day is the only thing that's keeping me alive this late in the Summer.


TheFandangler said...


I never really considered BTO an answer to ELP. ELP is amazing aside from "lucky man" of course. BTO on the other hand is well... "Takin' care of business" and "American Band". The end.

akus said...

Did anyone end up getting tickets for the Chicago game?

From The Chicago Tribune;

The Hawks sold 57,000 single-game tickets Monday, and with their increasing season-ticket base have sold more than 500,000 tickets for the upcoming season, an increase of more than 300 percent from this time last year.

While no games are officially sellouts because the team is withholding tickets for season plans, many games — including the home opener Oct. 13 against Nashville, the Feb. 27 game against Sidney Crosby and the Penguins and games against the Red Wings — were unavailable to some buyers Monday.


Earl Sleek said...

Earl Sleek in mid-season form.

Ha! If that season is 1998-99, then I wholly agree!

jefe penguino said...

the new product billy mays is pimpin might be the best one yet. tempting.

Annie said...

I just got my '92 Lemieux jersey in the mail.


TheFandangler said...

Akus = all knowing.

ELP pwnzone

J.S. said...

@annie, I plan on ordering my malkin jersey this wk. More or less waiting for the seller to get back to me.

Billy Mays selling mini sliders =win for everybody

Billy Mays = HOF
ShamWow guy = the Milan Kraft of infomercials

allusion said...

@sh0ez> those are some nice jerseys. i'd probably say the best one is the pittsburgh miners one. especially the bottom design.

@dan> the paper pro stapler should be used nationwide. a staple office item if you will.

allusion said...

one time my sister mistook billy mays for al borelan from home improvement.
either way, he really rocks that blue shirt.

allusion said...

stupid d.

threshhold9k said...

I have no artistic talent but having Solid Snake and Revolver Ocelot with backs to walls and guns raised on either side of the Sanford's helmet would be badass imo.

Rage said...

ummmm....you gotta be shitting me...where's F.H. when you need need him?!?!?!

Dan said...

charmed must be on

RedWings said...

Dan said...
charmed must be on


Rage said...

I think somebody's playin too much metal gear solid...better not let mom n dad catch him on the webz...lol. i was afraid that comment killed the blog

sh0ez said...

Thanks for the kind words everyone! It was my first attempt at making my own jersey template. I think it turned out okay.

Just so everyone knows, that third Pittsburgh Miners jersey is not a penguin! It is, in fact, a bird called a "noisy miner." Ha ha. Rules.

jefe penguino said...

i think im turning japanese

turn the page.

Jonny Van Mundegaarde said...

You can double or triple stack 'em, and watch your family attack 'em...pickles, onions, ketchup, and cheese...Big City Sliders are sure to please > a full third of the team bolts, most of them signing with the Bolts

Billy Mays is like a white Jesse Jackson.

MGS4 will be the first game I buy if I ever get a PS3

Victor Raison said...

Good grief, I come back from a week in California suffering from a serious Pensblog deficiency and I start catching up on some news and the world is falling apart. Chef died, Russia is attacking everyone, Phelps is swimming faster than Aquaman, and Lin Miaoke is pulling an Ashley Simpson; it's madness. Good to be back in the mountains of Ye Olde Keystone State though, seeing Pittsburgh all lit up last night from a puddle-jumper of an airplane was a sight for sore eyes. I'm looking forward to catching up on everything I missed; Gretzky Expo, laundry, and more of those motivational posters. Keep up the good work.

Sanford should probably just stick to an all black helmet and let his talent do the talking.
Oh, wait...nevermind.

Dan said...

i hear that victor. i was in myrtle beach last week with a very limited interweb connection.

Dan said...

new post

threshhold9k said...

Wow Rage sorry for having a difference of opinion. No need to be a douche because you disagree with someone. I'm sorry you need to berate people to wake up feeling good every morning.

And yes where is FlyerHater aka Kenny Melvin. Probably eating pizza hut and watching charmed and also avoiding the sun like a vampire.

fleuryous said...

You mean to tell me that this post has been up for over 12 hours and there are only 50 comments?

Come on, Kids.

I haven't commented in forever, because my internet is ridiculous.

Impeach Gore.

Oh wait...

PS. This jokester made me laugh.

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