Saturday, June 28, 2008

Intervention NHL

Every week or so we want to expand our NHL knowlegde, and get some sight on the rest of the NHL. Thats why we asked Kevin Schultz from [Barry Melrose Rocks ] to give us his point of view with some news and notes from around the NHL.

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Your Weekly Dose of Hockey News from Outside Pittsburgh (Yes, it does exist.)


Hi, kids. I’m Kevin Schultz from [FanHouse] and my own shack, [Barry Melrose Rocks.] Don’t mind me. Mommy and daddy (or daddy and daddy, to be more accurate I guess) invited me over for a little weekend get together. I don’t bite. Swear. But actually, this is more of an intervention than a get together.

You see, there’s more to hockey than Pittsburgh. Sure, Pittsburgh is great. You have that Sidney fellow and some other guys. And the Russian one. I hear he’s pretty good. There’s more out there. There’s more to life. Trust me on this one. I think you need to get out of that musty old house and experience some new things at the neighbors’ house. Not that weird kid with the curly red hair who lives at the end of the block. Stay away from him.

I’m not saying you should give up on Pittsburgh. No. In fact, keep waving those towels and yelling your lungs out until The Building That Doesn’t Make Me Feel So Bad About the Nassau Coliseum is finally replaced. Continue your love affair with Mr. Roberts, even if he may not be having any of it. Keep spray painting “free candy” on the side of your vans and using MS Paint to write “├čstunned” on pictures of strangers. And whatever you do please, please keep prank calling Fedko. That is the funniest shit I have seen in a long time. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you for any of it.

Look. All I’m saying is that you need to broaden your horizons a little. Keep all that stuff you have now and add a little of the outside world at your leisure. That’s what I’m here for. I’m here to help.

So what did you miss while you were ogling over the Penguins off-season moves this week? Glad you’ve read this far. I honestly didn’t expect you to.

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Remember those guys up in Toronto? Jerks, I know. They’re totally throwing everyone over board. And it is HILARIOUS. Darcy Tucker, gone. Andrew Raycroft (also known as “Joke”), voted off the island. Kyle Wellwood’s gone too but he’s not all that important. [And then there’s Bryan McCabe.] He’s not gone… Yet. Give that some time. Right now they’re working on setting his house on fire or maybe killing his cat. Whatever they need to do to get him to waive that no trade clause.


Cliff Fletcher is going all serial killer kind of crazy and unloading on everyone. No one is safe in Toronto and the Canadian Forces Reserve (all four of them) has been called in to try and diffuse the situation. Carlton the Bear is being held at gunpoint at this hour. It’s a tense and funny rebuilding situation.




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The NHL’s owners are losing money hand over fist. We have to stop the madness before the world collapses in on itself. Canadian teams make West Philly look like Beverly Hills. This, to some extent, is all we heard during and prior to the lockout a few years ago.

What a bunch of trash.

A quote from the EMacAttak over at [FanHouse]:

The NHL team payroll range for the 2008-09 season. According to the NHLPA release, the minimum salary will be $40.7 million, the "Adjusted Midpoint" will be $48.7 million and an "Upper Limit" of the cap will be $56.7 million.
Are you freaking kidding ? We started out with a $39 million cap after the lockout. I know the Canadian economy is strong but the American one isn’t. Maybe the Mounties are carrying us all on their backs. Who knows.

What I do know is that if we’re headed for another strike because these guys are spending too much money on players I’m going to take a two-by-four and put it through Gary Bettman. Actually I’ll probably just bitch about it all on my blog. That’s all I’m really good for. Plus I’m lazy.

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The mildly anticipated release of the Love Guru was met with invisible enthusiasm as it debuted last weekend. It debuted at #4 at the box office earning only $14 million. Yeah, I did just put “only” in front of “fourteen million dollars”. Regardless, Mike Myers is still a millionaire and still hasn’t been funny in at least 10 years by my count.

The next story to watch about this movie is to see if they recoup all of their advertising costs. Is it me or does this movie have the biggest advertising budget in the history of the world? We heard all about it throughout the playoffs. Then it’s on TV when I’m not watching hockey. Now I’m hearing all about it every two seconds on the radio in New York. It’s gone so far that there are now ads on the Islanders’ website. Seriously, Islander fans? That’s one of your target demographics? How many demos do you have?

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[Earl Sleek]


Last year, Niedermayer tried to pull a Brett Favre/Roger Clemens and sit out half the season while making a decision on whether or not he should play a game for a living. Yeah, he couldn’t figure out if he wanted to, you know, play professional ice hockey. Trying to milk that decision for all its worth didn’t really work out for Scotty last year when he realized that no one outside of Anaheim really give a damn if he came back or not.

This year, he saved us all the trouble and speculation and did what Brett and Roger should have been doing all these years. He made his decision within a reasonable amount of time following the end of the season. Thanks, Scott. Appreciate it. Now we can all get on with our lives.

Oh and the [Ducks owner is getting screwed by the feds]. It’s always kind of comforting to see a rich prick go down. Then you think about his family and realize you’re the asshole.



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If you know anything about me, then you know that I have a blog called Barry Melrose Rocks. I’m not a crazy fan who beats off to Barry every night, but I do think he does good work. So, naturally, I have to give a mention to Barry’s hiring as head coach of the Tampa Bay Lightning in this here piece.

The Tampa Bay Lightning are quite the franchise right now. [Rock star new owners]. Newly minted #1 draft pick. Star player with an uber contract. [Wacky new coach] with a convicted felon as his assistant. And they don’t even have a real goalie!








The situation down there is starting to turn into a Mike Myers movie. Sheesh.


But that’s all for me. This was a fun little play date. Thanks for having me and hopefully it won’t be the last time we have this little get together. It’s OK to make new friends and to be honest I kind of like you. But not in that way. Thanks to Adam, Derek and Charlie for having me.
Peace.

41 comments:

Original Nathan said...

First!

Original Nathan said...

And that's a great post. If I weren't at work on a public service desk, I'd probably have been laughing aloud at that one.

But alas, it's bad form to laugh aloud in a library.

threshhold9k said...

Solid read. Hope there's more to come.

Joose said...

The Love Guru........ What a bunch of trash. Why does every Mike Myers movie have to involve him being dressed in ridiculous costumes? I remember the days when he actually looked like a real person on screen.

Original Nathan said...

Has Mike Myers looked like a real person onscreen since "54"? Granted, he was a bloated real person in that movie, but definitely a real person.

Raybin said...

Super solid guest posting. Dig it. Kudos!

Orpik likely to follow Hossa and test the market before making a decision

brndlynn said...

nice guest post.
@ raybin: im not really sold on that article. Orpik turned down 1 offer and never said he wanted to go to FA. if i recall correctly his agent actually said the opposite. and the quote from Orp's brother was cherry picked to sound like he was leaning toward the Sabres.

Christina said...

rights to Roberts and Malone have been traded to Tampa Bay. holy shit.

link

debrisslide said...

WHAT THE FUCK. A conditional draft pick?

brndlynn said...

wow. we've all been wanting news and speculating but i never saw that one coming. just wow.

Stoosh said...

Does anyone know if Buffalo has signed Andrew Orpik yet? Becasue unless he signed with the Sabres, Andrew Orpik's going to be a senior at BC this coming season, meaning he's going to be playing college hockey next year.

After that, he's more than likely headed to the AHL for at least one season, because I don't care how awesome the story is - most 7th-round picks who play college hockey don't go right from their senior year of college to the NHL.

So let's even assume he signs and then goes to the AHL and spends two years there making his normal adjustments to the pro game. In fact, we're fast-tracking him at two years because let's not forget that big bro spent two full seasons and he was the one who has the first-round talent.

That still means Brooks is going to be entering the third year of his deal before he gets to take the Buffalo ice with his brother.

Translation? Brooks going to Buffalo just to play hockey with his brother = mostly bullshit.

If he goes to Buffalo, it'll be because they offer him something like five years, $4.0 or $4.5M per year, and the chance to play with his brother will just be one of those nice little perks.

brndlynn said...

i wonder what round the cond. pick would be.

Stoosh said...

Roberts and Malone are gonna wear lightning bolts on their pants?!

Consider me = stunned

coffeytalk said...

that tampa bay article just made me vomit.

brndlynn said...

@ stoosh: the same writer also wrote this piece:
"I feel bad for but also envy my counterparts in Pittsburgh. With 12 Penguins up for unrestricted free agency (including some of the biggest names in Marian Hossa, Ryan Malone and Brooks Orpik), the writers there are going nonstop, as my numerous conversations with one of them has shown. It's tough chasing down all those agents and rumors. We did it last year with Chris Drury and Daniel Briere.

Of course, I also envy them because they've got something going on. It's boring here, especially compared to last summer."

so obviously they saw brooks was a possible ufa and andrew may at some point possibly play there and decided to write a story about it.

PittHockey said...

So wait, this post boils down to "what did you miss while watching Shero's moves... well actually, nothing."

Stoosh said...

I'll be interested what the details are for this pick, but kudos to King Shero for getting something out of this, especially Roberts.

Would Tampa be crazy enough to do this for their first-round pick? It's two players and I believe that's what Philly gave Nashville last year when they did this with Hartnell and Timonen.

Hartnell and Timonen collectively were bigger targets than Malone and Roberts, but still...Tampa's new ownership and management seems to be just a few blocks south of sanity so you never know.

So much for Pittsburgh becoming Tampa Bay North...how about Tampa Bay becoming Pittsburgh South?

jefe penguino said...

dont let IHK see that link.. but at least we know something now.

Sabrejets said...

When will the acid queen guest host, and is she still awash in feces?

PittHockey said...

Tampa Bay = Pittsburgh South

Aron said...

credit to sHERO for getting something for two players we were NOT going to sign anyway. Genius.

PittHockey said...

damn, stoosh beat me like a rented mule.

Anthony said...

wtf.....why doesn't penguins.nhl.com tell us this!!

I guess, in all fairness, it was a good trade. They were gonna leave anyways so maybe we got the better end of the deal (especially is tb is awful next year).

Jonny Veesdoorwall said...

Stellar

Anthony said...

oh....aren't conditional picks in like the 4th and 5th round...just a thought...could be bad on second thoughts.

Aron said...

my guess would be this is for at best a second round pick and not a first.

Aron said...

conditional picks can be any round. All it means is that if something happens (TB signs one or both players) then you get a certain agreed upon pick. If TB does not sign them, it's either for a lower agreed upon draft pick or a bagel or somthing.

PittHockey said...

bag of used pucks

Anthony said...

well guess this leaves the top two lines in need of three wingers for sure. Shero can start thinkin about that for July 1st, though I'm sure he has a plan

Anthony said...

saying dupuis leaves of course that is

Aron said...

@anthony

even if dupuis stays, he's better suited for the 3rd line. Crosby needs some finishers.

Jasper said...

hey whats that lightning stuff?
i clicked the link but it said
"Oops! A system error has occurred."
huuuuuuuuuuuh

great post btw

debrisslide said...

credit to sHERO for getting something for two players we were NOT going to sign anyway. Genius.

I agree.

But I'm still a little, well, STUNNED.

Jasper said...

so malone and roberts to tampa?
stunned, well done s hero, glad it's tampa tbh

I Have Kasparaitis said...

WTF? What does the link say? I'm going crazy here ... what's going on? *begins twitching*

Beav said...

@ IHK

http://tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=
241905&lid=headline&lpos=topStory_nhl

TSN's article on it

brndlynn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brndlynn said...

"Sources tell TSN the Lightning have traded a fourth-round draft pick to the Pittsburgh Penguins in exchange for the exclusive negotiating rights to forwards Ryan Malone and Gary Roberts, who are scheduled to become unrestricted free agents on July 1.

Sources say if the Lightning were to sign Malone, the more coveted free agent of the two, the fourth-round pick would become a third round pick."

grriamafrog said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
I Have Kasparaitis said...

New Post is up ...

Party of Ruutu said...

Great post Kevin. I've read a couple of your posts before, and I haven't been disappointed.

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