Thursday, May 3, 2007

For years, WTAE has been bringing up the rear of the Pittsburgh Media market.
Always behind KDKA and WPXI, WTAE made several attempts to try and get back into the news game...

General manager Walt Disney signed Sally Wiggin to a 15-year, $34 million contract in 1994. But Wiggin has never been able to live up to the contract.

Weighed down by Wiggin's contract, WTAE has let superstar after superstar slip through their fingers:
  • In 1998, WTAE didn't protect Sonni Abatta in a rule-five draft.
  • Station superstar Scott "The Sentence Maker" Baker left via free agency in early 2002.
  • And who can forget that, in 1986, they drafted a fresh-faced David Johnson but proceeded to trade him for an AV cable to be named later.
But with no news station firmly taking over the ratings, WTAE can still stun the world.
And what better way to start than getting a big time jump in sweeps week.

.........................

We get propelled into the last 10 minutes of Lost.
We staffers don't watch it. That's not to say it's mud.
But why don't the dudes have beards like Tom Hanks in Castaway?

The lens cap drops as the newscast begins.
We Come First, bitches.

Don't go to bed, jobbers. Your life is on the line. Watch our show.
Here, we'll scare you some more so you watch the entire program.


Wendy Bell smiles at the top of the broadcast -- 14 men leave their wives.

Shannon Perrine comes out flying in the early moments of the broadcast.
Traffic that we aren't in (because we're watching your newscast) is a big deal?
What a joke.
Wake me up when Wendy Bell is on again.

Wendy Bell's soothing voice makes the F-5 tornado that dominated Mercer County sound like Mother Goose.


Erin Kienzle is all Hillbillied up to get in tight with the country folk.
Already, this broadcast is killing KDKA's.

Mike Clark dampens the mood by talking about some high school kid ruining his life.

Pizza delivery? Is this news?
Tara Edwards hates her life.

We are teased with the story about the dude who owns 84 Lumber.
He's getting married to a 6-year-old monkey.
This is the 11:00 news. And we're slammed with this meaningless gossip crap.
Huey Lewis, a connoisseur of News in his own right, is not impressed.


Huey Lewis and his News brought it in the '80s.
If you don't have "Back In Time" in your iTunes, you don't have a pulse.

...............................


Joe Greiner is playing with a sprained larynx.
That's how important this newscast is.

WTAE comes back strong from the intermission.
A story about a mummy who is 200 years old.
They tell us everything about the Egyptian boy except for the size of his penis.

Tomorrow at 5:00 PM: Is the mummy a Steeler fan? Shocking revelations say yes.

Our hopes that the mummy comes to life and kills Stephen Cropper are not fulfilled.


If the mummy doesn't do the job, Brendan Fraser will.

.........................................

WTAE comes back after another intermission and sends it to Jim Parsons.



Parsons tells us to stop using the internet.
Is this warning us about identity theft? Or giving jobbers ideas?
Anyone smart enough to do this stuff makes enough money that they don't have to.
But here, common Joe with your hand down your pants: Here's how it's done.
So retarded.
Who would want to steal Jim Parson's identity anyway?

The solution to this wireless-security problem? Surprise: Buy something.

....

And then it happens.
The story that we've been dreading.



Hopefully, your grandma watches the news.
They give your grandma tips to stay alive, but the segment is done within 8 seconds. And why?
Because Big Joke is hanging out with more kids.
Douche.



Stephen Cropper Time.

UH OH.

Greenspan?
Greensboro?
Greenpeace?
Greensburg, dude. You say it every day.

If you were listening closely during that, you heard Wendy Bell pulling a sword from underneath the anchor desk.

Joe Denardo, thoughts?


Stephen Cropper is a farce.

Wendy Bell brings us some Kennywood news. She is so excellent.

Sally Wiggin is the Sidney Crosby of WTAE.
Even when not in the studio, she promotes the station. What a player.
Andrew Stockey was there, too, talking about food or something.

The sports segment is coming after the commercial break.

...............



Jon Burton brings the pain.
He gives away the Pirate highlights before you see them happening.
Terrible.

Manager Jim Tracy is the only reason we would start Piratesblog.

Big Ben talks about mini camp and how he drives motorcycles without a valid license.
Ben throws the broadcast back to Jon Burton, but Rodney Harrison picks it off.



WTAE shows hockey highlights.
Stunned.
Wendy Bell doesn't like the Senators. Now we don't, either.
Wendy Bell says goodbye.
You turn the channel knowing you have to wait till tomorrow to see her again.

.......................

Wendy Bell has a blog.

Don't worry.
We're already nominated her.
Vote for her blog here.
Spread the word.

....................................

Stats
  • Steeler allusions: 10
  • Stephen Cropper "I'm Sorry": 1
  • Wendy Bell smiles: 47
  • Mike Clark: Just watching Bell dominate
  • WTAE = solid effort
  • J-schiff: Denardo Photoshop


to be a joke.

Wednesday, May 9.
11:00.

Are David Johnson and Peggy Finnegan phoning in broadcasts, banking on their reputation?
We'll see.

.................................

The Sens go up 3 - 1 on the Devils.


Best picture of all time.

Red Wings and Sharks were in Overtime when we went to press.

...........................


Day 14

38 comments:

Anonymous said...

You guys never cease to amaze me, I can tell you really miss the Pens. lol

Ron said...

I knew you faggots couldn't lay off the steeler jokes for more than 3 days

Staff said...

Bring the noise sucka

Anonymous said...

why is pensblog still here?

Jason said...

"Ben throws the broadcast back to Jon Burton, but Rodney Harrison picks it off."

that might have been the first time i laughed since game 5 in ottawa. you guys are awesome

Anonymous said...

pensblog nation:

what is the song the penguins come on to the ice to? something 2000 or 3000?

-Jay

meecrofilm said...

yes..

"Ben throws the broadcast back to Jon Burton, but Rodney Harrison picks it off."
genius

Martin Brodouche is a joke. Or maybe Blowdeur? He's gay eiter way.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Pensblog for making my day!

Anthony said...

I think they have said numerous times that they in fact are Steeler fans so I'd ease up Ronald

Barrasso35 said...

"Huey Lewis, a connoisseur of News in his own right, is not impressed."

That's classic.

Anonymous said...

Baby Pens lost last night... Game 1 of Round 1 of the East Devision Finals. I thought you'd have had that on there...

dying alive said...

Jay, it's Hurricane 2000 by the Scorpions between periods. At the beginning of the game they still come out to the Boys of Winter theme song.

Huey Lewis references = awesome.

FritoWill said...

http://a1135.g.akamai.net/f/1135/18227/1h/cchannel.download.akamai.com/18227/podcast/PITTSBURGH-PA/WDVE-FM/MS%20Stockey%20BAngels%20mashup.mp3?CPROG=PCAST&MARKET=PITTSBURGH-PA&NG_FORMAT=rock&SITE_ID=1734&STATION_ID=WDVE-FM&PCAST_AUTHOR=WDVE-FM&PCAST_CAT=Comedy&PCAST_TITLE=The_Best_of_Jim_and_Randy_on_WDVE




its sucks as a link, but its money in the bank, DVE's finest in a couple of years. We got Andrew Stockey in a f16. I wanted this on the post but it didn't make it.

FritoWill said...

Jay,

I think its Hurricane 2000

But i don't know, i had it on my myspace page, but someone deleted it.

tecmo_bowl_bo_jackson said...

channel 11 bites

Jonny V said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jonny V said...

You guys @#%!in' rock...solid news recap. It takes me back to my days of working the early shift at the Sony TV plant in New Stanton, watching the news before shift started, knowing everything was right in the world as I gazed at Wendy Bell and Kelly Frey. The day they broke up that tandem should have been a national day of mourning.
And the Big Ben jokes were money...I love the jokes, can't stand the bitching and whining about them. Bring the noise sucka. Simple yet effective.

Anonymous said...
why is pensblog still here?
5/03/2007 12:55 AM

Why do you keep coming back?

And who would have thought the Rangers would have their series tied up, or Robert Lang would come up so huuge for the Wingies. Game-tying goal with 30 seconds left?

Jonny V said...

I'm Ron Burgendy?!?

Jason said...

anybody else watch the sharks/wings game and see guerin take that slap shot in the mouth? that was gruesome, he had to of lost atleast 10 teeth

Elly said...

As much as I want the Senators to lose, seeing Brodeur on his knees looking to god and asking, 'Whhhhy?' gives me warm and fuzzy feelings.

Anonymous said...

boys of winter?

who is the composer to that dying alive?

-Jay

Anonymous said...

Anyone know why the authors keep obsessing over the local newscasters? Who the heck cares?

Jonny V said...

Anonymous, get a clue

There are no Penguins games to recap, they gotta keep their recap skills sharp--ergo news recaps

EmDubs said...

sprained larynx..... good stuff

Loser Chris said...

How about a weather recap? I don't mean the weather on the news either... the actual freaking weather! Just pick a day and work your magic.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

They made Sony TVs in New Stanton?

I think Pensblog should do an interview with the old lady that smacked Ben with her car.

And I think the world is ready for Piratesblog.

Ellen said...

I was trying to find out who wrote the Boys of Winter theme (I know I've seen this info somewhere pretty recently, but I can't find it right now) and I came across this other blog with a moderately funny recap of Sudden Death from the little girl's point of view.

http://pittsburghsportsguys.com/search/label/nhl%20jerseys

AJ said...

Wow.

Just wow.

Stephen Cropper/Mummy jokes are money in the bank.

Greg said...

Anonymous said...
Anyone know why the authors keep obsessing over the local newscasters? Who the heck cares?


Why do people write "anonymos" live up to what u write and stop hiding behind the rock

Teej said...

Anonymous said...
why is pensblog still here?

To the rest of my fellow passionate Steeler fans, why are SteelerBlogs still around?

Joke question, since I still ended up watching the Brady Quinn Draft...lol

Teej said...

Oh and great news recap. I'd also look forward to seeing nightly Seinfeld rerun-caps, hahaha :)

keep up the great writing!

Anonymous said...

What the hell? Dumbest post ever. I'm sorry.

Bill said...

No need to be sorry, no one cares.

Anonymous said...

Did you see the steeler draft picks? Mel Kiper gave them B, i would have given them a C- right there with cincy.

So for all you steeler fans dropping that draft blues negativity on our blog - YEAHHHHHHHH GO PENS KEN SHERO IS THE DRAFT MASTER! If the steelers had shero they would win the lombardi and stanley cup in one season. Eat it. (I'm a huge steeler fan before you go making assumptions)

If anybody loves funny stuff, nike/bauer hockey commericals on youtube are AMAZINGLY funny.

Tiffany said...

You guys totally came through on the news recap. The ban on delivering pizza at night....the 84 Lumber dude....the Egyptian mummy (Yay!! Brendan Fraser gets some love!!!)....Cropper forgetting how to say Greensburg.....we were on the same page, but I did not see Huey Lewis coming. Very nice.

Elly, ditto.

Teej, hahaha.....Seinfeld recaps. You might be on to something. (^_~)

And for anyone that watched the Devils/Senators game, was I the only one that saw a bird fly by one of the cameras in the 2nd period?? There was a little less than 7 1/2 minutes left when it happened. It’s not like it’s a big deal, but it just made me go “Huh??” (said like Conan O’Brien)


60% of the time, it works every time.
That doesn't make sense.

EmDubs said...

Please promise me that if Darieth Chisolm is on WPXI's 11:00 news when you guys do the recap you guys will call her Darieth Jizzum at least once.

Jonny V said...

This ain't got shit to do with Steelers, Penguins, Heroes, or the news, but I thought it was funny. It's a message on a fake myspace page and it is...I don't know, just read it. And the picture next to it was that of a hefty female of the african-american persuasion. As if I had to tell u.


jeffy was really deranged all summer so I was wondering what was up, since he has changed all of a sudden.
He has been humpin all the most pimpest beauties at and they all talk about him now like he is a
pimpest when just last year, he was a big wannabe
It turns out that he has been cranking these dick enlargment capz that he orders online from DAMEU.COM
His secret came out when I was at his countryhouse and he was in the crapper so this was my opportunity to snek
around in his room and get some clues, I found four bottles of dick enlarge capz all from DAMEU.COM
Under his bed in a brown paper bag. He caught me and made me sware to him I would never tell anyone, he thinks
the girls will think he is a fake for taking the capz to make his dick grow so titanic in only a couple months.
Anyways, I seen it for my own eyes, he is titanic now and living proof that the capz do work and the place you
order them from even guarentees they work on any guy or all you paid right back to you, go now to DAMEU.COM

Staff said...

it's a great feeling when we see people who understand what we're aiming for telling people who are in the dark to suck it.

besides, we thrive on people being pissed off about something.

-ac

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