Thursday, April 5, 2007

Yippee-ki-yay, mofo.

Alice took time away from banging Sam the butcher to clean up The Pensblog a little bit and help out with some housekeeping.

If you link to us and your site is not listed on the left, please e-mail us.

A mini Photoshop expo is coming this weekend.
If anyone has any last-minute ones, please send them to

Playoff goals coming this Sunday, April 8th.
Wear a jock jack.

Baby seals will not referenced again.
Seal, the singer, will be referenced.
So will the movie "Teen Wolf" starring Michael J. Fox.


The Pensblog Playoff Madness brackets are gonna be a tight fit, but we will keep everyone updated on how it will work.

We'll probably have three days to send them out and have them filled-out and returned.
We're probably gonna rock it PDF style.

1 Prize for the Winner (your choice):
  • $10 GetGo Gift Card
  • Box of Sarris Chocolate-Covered Pretzels
  • 3-pack of underwear
  • A 1991 Penguins puck signed by the entire Pensblog Staff
  • Pensblog Staff picture, signed
  • Two packs of smokes
  • Mach3 Razor with extra blades
  • $20 Gift Card to a mall
  • $15 iTunes Gift Card

We're dead serious.

We must start off with John Buccigross' recent column on
If you're a hockey fan and haven't read it, then you haven't read it.

" The first five minutes of the Penguins' first home playoff game may be this year's most exciting sequence in all of sports. "
-- John Buccigross

"Crosby is better at what he does than LeBron James is at what he does."
-- John Buccigross

"He plays faster than Kevin Durant and his slap shot is more powerful than any Greg Oden dunk. Malkin is better at what he does than Andy Roddick is at what he does."
-- John Buccigross

This is the best column all season. Bar none.
We, all season long, have jobbed ESPN about their lack of coverage of the NHL.
And honestly, it may never change.

Tuesday night, while playoff lives were hanging in the balance, the lead story on the 11:00 "ESPN Yankees/RedSox/Patriots/ColtsCenter" is the NCAA Women's Final Four?
We support Title IX as much as anyone, but come on.

To make the obvious argument, if the Eastern Conference playoff race was taking place in the NFL, Chris Berman would have to be given CPR every three hours and ESPN would shut down.

Honestly -- where do hockey fans even find coverage of their game?
Times like these make us long for the days of ESPN National Hockey Night and NHL 2night on ESPN2.

If YouTube existed back in our teen-hockey heydays, videos like this would flood YouTube's servers.
What a theme song.
Those kids have the routine down perfect.
How focused are they? That Winnipeg Jets shirt is what legends are made of.

What would you give for a huge Thursday night game when Mario stares the camera down?
Give me Steve Levy all day.

Here's the NHL on ABC theme.


Lemieux signing autographs for admirers.


The Associated Press is mud.

Their newest Pens article
says that the Pens' loss to Buffalo was a huge slip-up that's gonna cost the Pens home-ice in the playoffs.

John Larroquette says that's a stupid statement.

Are we gonna nitpick like that?
We can do that all day:
  • Pens lost to the St. Louis Blues back on December 19th.
  • Shouldn't have let the Islanders break the tie with 3.7 seconds left.
  • Should've beat Toronto on Saturday.
  • Why didn't we beat Tampa Bay at least once?
  • If we didn't get to beat on the worst team in the NHL 8 times this year, where would the Pens be?
  • If we hadn't been the hottest team on Earth for the past 2-plus months, this Buffalo loss could've eliminated us from playoff contention.
  • If Malkin could score on breakaways and in shootouts, the Pens would have the number-one seed in the Conference right now.
  • If the Mom from the dodge commerical was actually attractive, maybe the Pens wouldn't have gotten physically sick from seeing her.
(Thanks to Jesse Simpson for this)
Commentor Blog / Gameday chat is going to be up in arms.

If we're going to play that what-if game, okay. Let's do it.
But don't job a story just because it's easy to write.

The season is a marathon; not a three-game sprint.
Suck the balls, Associated Press. And suck 'em hard.


Jumping back again, how would an exclusive hockey show not make sense?

If we want to see a sports show after Rob King gets done dominating the air at 10:30 PM, we would have to turn to the FEDKO FONE(Y) ZONE. And that sucks.

For example, here's a clip from last night's show:

John Fedko is a joke.

If it doesn't invlove telling everyone how great he is or talking about the Steelers, he has no idea.
He thinks Rob Scurdei is a STD.

The only place where we can get local sports news after 11:30pm is from a guy who spends his autumn nights flying in the skies above Western PA, looking for adolescent boys.

One day someone is going to wake up and start an all NHL show.


Saturday, April 7, 2007

7:00 P.M.

The Islanders' playoff chances:

(Derek Ausk)


David Morehouse was appointed the new team President today.

Post-Gazette article

He's basically running the Penguins.
Look at that face. He's about to approve the purchase of something.

... talks about Jordan Staal and the shorthanded goal ...

... Pirates 3-0 ...
... Pens in playoffs ...
... Steelers not playing ...

Great time to be alive.


Showdown in Ottawa City.
Bring the noise and the funk.

(Josh B.)

Go Pens


T. Quinn


KC said...

Great picture of Gretzky

Anonymous said...

awesome pic of the good bad and ugly. agreed that ESPN blows, as does the AP. Thank you John Buccigross, finally someone in the media gives the hockey world, mainly the Penguins because let's face it what other hockey team actually matters, a little love. These last 2 games are huge, pray for NJ's choking spell to start a little early.


Anonymous said...

haha i loved the videos

seth said...

come now.. the mom from the dodge commercial is a milf

Staff said...

we are split on that milf topic

Nick said...

i say yes to the minivan mom

Anonymous said...

i like the baby seal jokes, quit letting shitty female commenters push you around

tiffany said...

Was Derek the one that posted the little section about "Minivan Mom" being ugly?? ;-)

Btw, that Happy Feet/Gangsta Feet video is SOOO cute.

& for all you Die Hard fans...hehe...I love this movie. (Had to break it up into 2 sections, though, 'cause it was too long.)

Staff said...

hahah the seals were eating at our conscience.
they could definitely make a cameo in the future.

we have karma to worry about, too.

Jon said...

So know more pictures of a baby seal getting clubbed, but you put the image of Alice banging Sam the butcher in our heads...thanks a lot hehe
And growing up, even though we don't have a team, the NBA was great to me, I think the greatest stretch in the history of the league was the celtic-laker rivalry up to the end of the bulls run. Since then I've grown to hate the league and it's rich thug players. I don't think it's going to be long where hockey overtakes the NBA in popularity.
And as much as yinz hate both entities, ESPN named the Sabres the #1 team in the sports world in how the teams pay back their fans, some Ultimate Standings poll. And if the Pens don't win the cup, I def. wanna see the Sabres win it. That team is exciting to watch and is the one team I hope our Pens do emulate one day. So what if they bitch about our team (just like every other team does), it must mean they fear us a little.
One thing about watching the last game that I noticed was how relentless the Sabres were in pursuing the puck, at all times. They wanted that game way more than we did it seemed. That's why they kicked our ass. Hopefully that was a little wake up call for us

Jon said...

And my vote for the prize for the playoff bracket is the autographed puck w/ your signatures.

Jon said...

Three in a row...add this to the Bucci quotes at the beginning of the post..."Jagr is really flying right now. He has fast feet and a lot of energy, which means he is healthy and winning at the blackjack tables."

Christina said...

bucci is awesome.

FritoWill said...

funny story out of NJ, i sent to the staff, but no dice getting into the article.

i know this is a stretch, but can we go back to the days when the Pirates sucked and the Pens were on a roll.

(like 2 weeks ago)

Dwayne said...

Guys, Bucci writes a column weekly, and it is always excellent. It just rarely makes it to the front page.

If you go late in the afternoon to every monday, it's usually the top article. He's an excellent writer and it's always a great read. He actually really, really likes hockey - he has his own backyard rink in the winter, for example, and he wrote a mini how-to on putting a liner in and boards for his kids (well, and himself, of course). It's always good times.

ESPN doesn't have horrible -internet- hockey coverage. In fact, their rankings are usually a far sight better than TSN's ridiculously skewed ones, and they at least have opinion articles written that are more than 3 sentences long that read more like a campaign slogan than a fucking column. Out of all the major sports outlets, I usually check most frequently, with SI usually being (at most) once a day and TSN about 4 or 5 times a day. I'm refreshing about every 15 minutes, though.

Don't hate because the television channel sucks. I wouldn't fucking watch ESPN for next to anything anyway, everything they produce is garbage. But *read* ESPN online? I personally haven't found anything better.

Anonymous said...

If you squint really hard and have the patience of Job, you might see the girl with the "I love Sidney Crosby" sign outside the Today Show yesterday:

On the other hand, if you hate Hilary Swank best not to look.

thomes08 said...

I just bought one of those MLF shirts. I'm pumped to get it.

I hate to do a shameless facebook group plug on here, but tPB staff brought it up, and i have no shame.

I made this group because of what ESPN has become, and because i remember when it didn't. I state my points on the site. Check it out, i have some sweet MS Paint "photoshops" about how gay ESPN is. Especially on their NHL coverage.



AndrewGurn said...

The minivan lady? I'd do her. However, in the spirit of full disclosure, I also did your mom and she's pretty ugly.

As for you Jon, if you love the Sabres so much, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY THEM? Burn. Geez, I can picture you typing all that crap about how awesome they are and having a little bit of pre-ejaculatory fluid soil your adult diaper. GO PENS.

- Andrew G Weitzel

dying alive said...

Speaking of retarded journalism on TSN, did anyone else see this one?

I can see picking Lecavelier over Crosby. I don't agree with it, but whatever. But saying he's the best BY FAR? And then throwing in this quote?

"I saw a game in Tampa when he played against Crosby and he just put on a show. You could see Crosby thinking `I'm going to be good like that one day."

What a joke.

Anonymous said...

The Dodge Minivan Mom is the stuff wet dreams are made of.

- Soup

Anonymous said...

Apocalyptic game tonight, btw.

- Soup

Sarah said...

I LOVE the picture of the Good, Bad & Ugly...your blog gets me through the day.
So you know what I see when I turn on ESPN?
-Arm Wrestling
...and NASCAR
MAN do I miss NHL2nite.
Lets Go Pens.

Bert said...

The kid in the Dodge mini-van commercial is 6 or 7, So the mom has to be the 22 year old step-mom that the Dad married after he dumped his wife.

Bert said...

And I say yes to the mini-van Step mom

And I miss National Hockey Night and NHL2night, even though I can hardly stand ESPN

Spencemo said...

C' know Alice was banging Sam the else could she have put up with six whiny kids and still have a smile on her face???

Jon said...

Wow andy, you got me good. Nothing I type can top "Why don't you marry them!" I'm just happy you didn't call me a douche in multiple posts. Have fun at prom this year.

Anonymous said...

Dying alive,

That is absolutely ridiculous, I wish that for just once people would stop trying to discredit what Sid is doing with this team and accept the fact that he is the new face of the NHL. He was looking at Vinny thinking someday Ill be that good?!? How long did it take Vinny to have his first 100 point season?? Yea Vinny is a great player, but he also plays alongside St. Louis. I just think that what Sid has done with this team, from cellar dwellers to competing for the division, is much bigger than what Vinny has done this season and wish people would quit trying to find ways to cut Sid down.

Tee said...

Minivan mom = definately hot. I'd totally do her again. We'll discuss this further Saturday night I'm sure. Go Pens.

Jon said...

U made a good point dwayne, I read ESPN's hockey columns all the time, and Bucci is the best of the lot.
And first and foremost, I'm a hockey fan. I like the teams that are exciting to watch, and am fucking ecstatic that the Pens can be counted as one of those teams again. I'll be pissed if we don't go all the way, but won't turn off the playoffs should we get eliminated. never have, never will. Pwned.

Derek said...

Dodge mom would be better if she weren't in a Dodge commercial next to a mini-van. Think of her next to a BMW, without kids, and not in khakis. Paints a completely different picture. My wife says she would do her so I guess I would too. I was on the fence until she chimed in.

Dodge and "family vehicle" mix like oil and water. Think of the names of Dodge cars and trucks...all sexual or phallic: magnum, caliber, nitro, ram, durango (wtf does that mean). I think they should stop being subtle and make model names align better with their marketing. How about the testosteroam or dildonica? And why stop there? They should make a 600hp minivan called The Cock (and yes, "The" would be included in the actual name). There's no reason why you can't feel like a man while driving the soccer team to Finleyville.

I'm not hating on Dodge by the way...just think some of the names are funny :)

♦tiffany♦ said...

Ok boys. Can't we all just get along?? *ŮŽ*

Tee, the gamedaychat will DEFINATELY be a good time...

Bert, you read my mind about mini-van mom. I was like, "She's kinda young to have a kid, isn't she? Looks more like his older sister." So the step-mom theory sounds good......I can't believe this is what we're all talking

AndrewGurn said...


It was supposed to be stupid, douche. Douche douche douche. Lighten up, douche.

-Andrew "Loves to say douche so much that perhaps he will marry the word" Weitzel.

PS- Douche.

♦tiffany♦ said...

OMG!!! Your comment is hilarious... :-D

AndrewGurn said...

Jon, also..

"And first and foremost, I'm a hockey fan. I like the teams that are exciting to watch"

This is the feckin' NHL PLAYOFFS, man! No love for other teams is acceptable.

You should have talked instead about how bad Sabres the suck, or possibly about how Daniel Briere shrimps semen out of Lindsey Ruff's arsehole during every second intermission of a Sabres game. Get on the ball!

--Andrew Gurn Weitzel

Dwayne said...

Dude, I'd do Dodge Minivan Mom right on the minivan hood. I'd also do her bent over the sink, and I don't even care if her son or husband would see us.


EmDubs said...

Did anyone see this story about Lundqvist and the Rangers hitting and spitting on the Islanders ice girls?

I can't decide if its funny or just wrong..... or maybe a little of both.

Jon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jon said...

Koy Detmer fucking sucked.

Jason said...

tsn has an article today about tonights game being a probably playoff preview. Theres a quote in there from Ray Emery saying he'd rather play the pens in the playoffs then new jersey because the devils are "boring". You know you suck when the opposing goalie would rather get lit up for 4-5 goals then play your trap heavy game.

dying alive said...

The Sens and their fans wanted to play the Pens because they think that they can knock us out early & easy.

Anyone ever go over to the HF Boards? Check out some of the posts by the Sens fans, some of them give the Pens some respect, but a lot of them are dumping on our inexperience, how we're inferior in every aspect of the game, and how we got into the playoffs thanks to our shootout wins. They are sooooo nervous about getting bounced in the first round. Hilarious stuff.

dying alive said...

Oh, and the biggest joke of the century is that they're all saying Emery >>>> Fleury. And they're deadly serious about it.

Uh, what? Given the choice between which of those two goaltenders you'd rather have on your team, everyone with an IQ above 27 takes MAF every time. He may be inexperienced, but he is a franchise goaltender who is only going to get better. Emery is a guy you can count on to get suspended a couple of times a season for pulling a Hextall and chasing a guy around the ice or whacking him in the face with a stick. If he played behind the Pens defense, he'd end up in the ECHL with a part time job at Wal-Mart.

Bert said...

dying on emery

you are soo right

Tiffany said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Love the "Just for Men" pics.

And speaking of playoff beards...

Steve said...

3 pairs of draws? Sweet deal if you ask me...

Can't wait for the bracket!

I also realized that people down here in St. Petersburg don't understand the concept of the playoff beard. I realize that it is an awefully warm place for a beard but that pales in comparison to whats at stake here.

Lightning all suck balls for nickels!

Lloyd said...

i could have sworn i posted earlier... must not have taken.

Thanks for posting the photoshop up on top of the page. I may want to actually put facial hair on them next time... or do a day by day addition to each picture.

Derek - have you looked at the Dodge logo itself? it looks like the inner-workings of the female sex organs.

Anonymous said...

Georges Laraque is a healthy scratch tonight.

Lloyd said...

in addendum:

Dodge minivan chick is hot as hell.

Can't wait to see everyone in the GDC tonight. Lets fill that room with pensbloggers. And give some good material to put in the main blog for the post-game post.

Derek said...

Dammit if I haven't spent a significant amount of time searching for a pic or video of minivan mom. As someone mentioned before, she is completely google-proof. I can't even find a video of the damn commercial. This is the result of 2 hours of searching:

phil said...

i had to cut this up into 2 parts

"Penguins star center Sidney Crosby will be on Jim Rome’s national radio show on Friday at 12:30 p.m.

The show airs locally on WBGG (970 AM) – Fox Sports Radio 970. "

rachel said...

Best prize is the 1991 Penguins puck signed by the entire Pensblog Staff or box of Sarris chocolate-covered pretzels. I love those, haha

Great photoshops everyone!

Dwayne, I love reading Bucci's columns. Here's another good quote from him...

At 19, Crosby is unequivocally the best offensive player in the NHL. I saw him and his team in person versus the Islanders on President's Day and here are some observations: Crosby plays hockey and soccer at the same time. He controls the puck with his feet like no other player. His effort was "all out" every shift. In fact, the whole Penguins team had an energy that was surprising for an afternoon tilt.

Here's a letter to Bucci and then his response... It is definitely a great time to be a Pittsburgh sports fan!


I am taking my youngest son to his first hockey game Sunday when the Pens play the Senators. He has become such a big hockey fan since the beginning of the season. He now owns a street hockey stick and goal, and all he talks about is learning how to ice skate. The excitement in Pittsburgh with the announcement of the new arena and the potential of this young team is fantastic. It reminds me of the '70s with the Steelers and the late '80s and early '90s with the Pens. It is a feeling that only comes along so often. If we are lucky enough to have a three-peat, we are truly blessed.

Bob Small

This is the magic of the Pittsburgh Penguins. They are such a young, appealing team. They attract everyone. Hard-core and casual fans, women and children. The league, NBC and Versus will be rooting for the Penguins.

I can't come to the Gameday Chat tonight :(

Lloyd, just for men, haha

Derek, thanks for that info

Lloyd said...


if you google

nicole greenwood dodge is the 2nd result

Derek said...

Somehow I missed her name in the previous post. Oh well...wasted time at work.

~tiffany~ said...

F-ing hilarious pic at the top.....

& what a f-ing playoff game!!!!!!

P.S. Precious Roy, I DO know who sifl & olly are....haha. Gamedaychat rocked in the 3rd.


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