Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Close Encounters Of The New NHL

It was the year 2007.

..........................................................................

March 10th was just like another day at Pittsburgh International Airport.
Until it happened.
As air-traffic controller Jodie Foster was tracking planes across the Pittsburgh-metro area, she saw a new blip on the radar screen screaming towards the earth.
At first, she panicked. 9/11? Flight 427?
You wish.

Meanwhile, in the nearby town of Imperial, 34-year-old Jacob Gaynor was taking a huge crap in his parents' trailer. Out of nowhere, a large rumble outside rattles the trailer and knocks the terd that was hanging from his butt into the toilet.
Jacob wipes and goes outside to check it out.

Nothing could prepare him for what he saw.



The door opens and out comes Relmo ChickenBalls, the alien ambassador to Earth.

Around the same time, Jodie Foster, some local officials, and Marty Griffin from KDKA arrive on the scene.

At 12:34 AM EST, Relmo ChickenBalls delivers the aliens' message to earth via KDKA.
George Birman, once Malkin's translator, is hired by KDKA to be Relmo's translator.

Relmo: Greetings, Earthlings. We come from the planet Dennishopper. As you may or may not know, I am an alien. I have a message for you. We the Aliens have come to announce, in partnership with The Nextel Cup, that we want to wipe all major sports but NASCAR off the face of the earth. We are tired of the MLB, NHL, NFL, NBA, Golf, and Soccer. We feel NASCAR is the greatest sport ever.
However, we offer you this. You will gather Earth's best players in the aforementioned sports and play our squad of alien players. If your team manages to beat ours, that sport will be saved. If they fail, the athletes will die, and so will their sports.
Any questions?


Marty Griffin: Well, Relmo.

Relmo: Identify yourself.

: This is the not-so-real-deal Marty Griffin. I am the greatest journalist ever. What is it that you want us to do?

Relmo: Diiiiiiiieeeeee.

Relmo ChickenBalls then lights KDKA'S Marty Griffin on fire.

RIP
....................................................................

The NFL is informed that they must play the first game.

The game is covered by ESPN and played at Heinz Field.

( By alien request. They said home teams choke there.)

The NFL is cocky and is sure of victory. Combining the Pro-Bowl teams, they look unbeatable.
After knocking Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees, Carson Palmer, and Jeff George out of the game, the NFL was forced to turn to the only quarterback remaining on the roster.
Ben Roethlisberger stops watching the Real World and is forced into action down by 3 in the third quarter.

It was then that the aliens brought out their secret weapon.


He picks off four Roesthlisberger passes, returning two for touchdowns.
The Aliens run out the clock with their brand of smash-mouth football.
E.T. runs for 136 yards and 2 scores.


E.T. Phone End Zone

The NFL never had a chance. A 34-10 defeat signals the end of the once-illustrious NFL.


"This one's for Jfluteryhugtiopertigyfenbexquay."
.............................

Next up on the docket is Major League Baseball.
100-plus years of tradition packed into nine innings at a baseball field in a corn field near Dyersville, Iowa.

The starting pitcher for the aliens was The Alien from the movie "Alien."
Francisco Cordova toed the rubber for planet Earth.

For those of you not there to witness it, words do not do this game justice.
Baseball the way it's supposed to be played.
Very tight game.

Unfortunately for Earth, The Alien from "Aliens" takes a no-hitter into the 8th.

T. Alien: 8 IP, 1 H, 1 ER, 14K, 1 BB

After Albert Pujous hits a 2-run homer in the bottom of the 8th to propel Earth to a 2-1 lead and drive T. Alien from the game, the Aliens rally in the 9th.
Kreplak Cabrera, with runners on second and third and two out, rips a shot into the hole.
A diving Derek Jeter is futile in his attempt to grab it.
Runner at third scores to tie the game.
ALF runs through the third-base coach's stop sign as Barry Bonds winds up to throw home.

He is.......


SAFE!

Cordova leaves the game to a standing ovation as Dan Pleasac comes in to get the last out.
But it didn't matter.

When the 9th inning began, all-star reliever Bob Walk (traded to Dennishopper in 2002 for a Bic razor and a pack of Eclipse gum) was getting loose in the bullpen.
He brings his 424 consecutive-save streak to the mound with him in the bottom of the ninth as "Enter Sandman" plays in the background.
One-two-three inning.
Game.
Sport.

......................................................

As the aliens are gearing up for the NBA team, Earth's lawyers step in.
Due to Micheal Jordan and Bill Murray's stirring triumph over the aliens in Space Jam, the challenge set forth by the aliens is nullified, and NBA is left be. No one cares about the NBA anyway.



....................................................

The aliens next turn their attention to golf.
The Great Gazoo and Tiger Woods play the ultimate Skins game at Southpointe Country Club in Cecil, Pennsylvania.


Gazoo sports the Green Jacket after edging Tiger by 4 strokes.
............................................................

After the Skins game, the aliens fly down to Brazil to play the Brazilian national team in a game of soccer.
The aliens coast to a 6-1 victory.

.............................................................

Relmo: Well, that's it. That's all of them. NASCAR is now dominant.


Hold it one second, there, pal.

Relmo: Oh, we almost forgot. Hockey. Fine. We're flying back to Dennishopper. We will return on the Earth day known as May 25th.

Sprint Center.
Kansas City.
3:00 PM.
Be prepared.


............................................................

The anticipation builds as Earth has less than one month to come up with a starting roster of hockey players.

It is decided:


Lecavalier - Crosby - Havlat
Eaton - Lidstrom


Ovechkin - Malkin - Kovalchuk
Eaton - Neidermayer


Brodeur - Luongo

Head Coach:

Thomas Whitmore

(Marc-Andre Fleury does not make the roster due to the fact he was kidnapped by aliens ten years ago, and that GMs felt that this personal vendetta would be detrimental to the welfare of the team.)

The aliens' GM, Sigourney Weaver, faxed their starting lineups to Earth so that Ice-Time Magazines could be printed:


Marvin - E.T. - Alf
Moonite - Beldar Conehead


Taco That Craps Ice Cream - Edgar - Ack Ack
M. Night Alien - The Great Gazoo


T. Alien

Head Coach:



Jay Caufield trains the NHL players in preparation for the game.
................................................................

GAME DAY

Early on May 25th, as the alien's spaceship was preparing for re-entry, it struck a Sprint Cellphone Satellite in space.
Their ship repairs itself, but the aliens are so pissed that they blow up the Sprint Center.
The game has to be relocated to the SaddleDome in Calgary, Alberta, Canada.


The anticipation begins to swell as the players go to the locker room after warm-ups.

It was here that Head Coach Thomas Whitmore serves up a speech to his nervous players:

" Good Morning.
[ Feedback from Microphone ]
Good Morning.

In less than an hour, hockey players here will join others from around the country.
And you will be playing in the biggest hockey game in the history of Mankind.

Mankind.
That word should have new meaning for all of us today.

We can't be consumed by our petty differences and Conferences anymore.

We will be united in our common interests.

Perhaps it's fate that today is the 25th of May, and you will once again be fighting for your freedom.
Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution; but from total elimination.

We're fighting for our right to live; to play a Game Seven.

And should we win this game, May 25th will no longer be seen as the day the Pens won their first Cup, but as the day when the NHL declared in one voice, "We will not go quietly into the locker room! We will not vanish without a fight!
We're going to play on!
We're going to survive!
Today, we celebrate our Independence Day and Hockey! "

[ Backup goalie Roberto Luongo throws up all over himself due to this speech and is lost for the game. ]

....................................................................

John Barbaro: Please rise and, gentlemen, remove your hats and welcome to the ice John Mayer for the singing of the Dennishopper National Anthem.


" I don't need Gravity.
It doesn't affect me.
Oh, no, no, gravity.
Doesn't bring me down.
We poop.
We pee.
It goes into space
'cause we got not Gravity.
Dennishopper, we stand on guard for thee. "

[ APPLAUSE ]

Mayer: Thank you. Be sure to buy my John Mayer Trio album on iTunes:



John Barbaro: Please remaining standing for the singing of Star-Spangled Banner and O Canada, as sung by Eddie Money.


Eddie Money
..........................................................................

The puck drops at 3:08, and the most important sports game in history begins.

Right off the opening face-off, the NHLers showed they came to play.
Mark Eaton lays out M. Night Alien when he tries to cross the NHL blue line.
As soon as M. Night's body hits the ice, he melts.

Coach Martha Stewart was furious over M. Night's intolerance to water, and she now had to play the rest of the game with only three defensemen.

The teams felt each other out for most of the first period, with both teams exchanging powerplay opportunities but winding up scoreless after one.

The teams came out for the second period, and everyone expected the pace to pick up.
The NHLers came out flat, however, which eventually led to a one-timer goal from the slot by Ack Ack.

Halfway through the second, Eaton and Beldar Conehead dropped the helmets and each got five minutes for mind-reading.
Eaton gets the two-minute instigator tacked on, and the NHL pays for it.

Off the ensuing face-off, Moonite blisters a one-timer past Martin Brodeur, and the aliens silence a sold-out SaddleDome.

The NHL had a 5-on-3 later in the second period, but they could not cash in.
As the buzzer sounded, signaling the end of the second period, NASCAR merchandise was flying off the shelves.
Rumors of a planned celebration parade on Dennishopper circulated.

The NHLers seemed irritated at their premature burial.
And when they dropped the puck to begin the third period, it was a surly NHL team that rattled the posts behind T. Alien.

25 seconds in, an up-to-now quiet Sidney Crosby splits The Great Gazoo and Beldar and scores a breathtaking goal to inject some life into the SaddleDome faithful.

With 15 minutes left in the third, and every shift meaning do or die, literally, the NHL catches a break.
An goaltender-interference penalty on Marvin the Martian gives the NHLers a chance.

With Neidermayer quarterbacking the powerplay, the NHLers set up.
He passes the puck to Sid, who does a 720-spin and backhands a pass tape-to-tape to Alexander Ovechkin who buries it.
The SaddleDome is in a frenzy.

With 10 minutes left, and the game tied, ALF draws a five-minute high-sticking penalty on Ilya Kovalchuk.
A five-minute powerplay.
It was here among 22,000 screaming SaddleDome fanatics that the NHLers found out who they were.
They stifled the aliens top power-play unit.
Time and again, the play broke down in the neutral zone.
The aliens were being smothered by, of all things, defense.
It was a beautiful harmony of movement.
It was the dance of champions.
After 3 minutes and 45 seconds of powerplay advantage, the aliens had not managed a single shot on goal.
And when a frustrated Taco tripped Martin Havlat, the powerplay was over.

You could feel it in the air.
You knew the NHL was going to take this game.

Until...

With 3:25 seconds remaining in the third, Marvin the Martian scores a back-breaking goal to give the aliens the lead.
But should it had even counted?


A blown offsides call late in the third nearly led to riots.

The play was not reviewable, and all seemed lost.
With 1:20 remaining, the NHL works the puck deep into the zone, and Coach Whitmore signals Brodeur to the bench.
The only player paying attention to jump on as the extra attacker was Mark Eaton.

He sneaks into the zone, into the slot, undetected by the aliens.
With pinpoint precision, Sidney Crosby sets up Mark Eaton for a one-timer that hits the glove of T. Alien and trickles over the goal line.

TIED!
Unbelievable.
Do you believe in miracles?!

Brodeur slides back into net, and the game slips into overtime.

........................................................

Intergalactic rules state that a 15-minute intermission is mandatory before overtime.
Martin Brodeur used this time to have sex with an alien's wife.
He is immediately killed.

Coach Whitmore is notified of this.

We lost Luongo, and now we lost Brodeur?!
DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE ANY GOALIE EQUIPMENT LEFT?!


Marc-Andre Fleury:

SORRY, I'M LATE, MR. PRESIDENT.

KINDA GOT HUNG UP BACK THERE.

Whitmore: GOALIE, DO YOU HAVE YOUR EQUIPMENT?

Fleury: I HAVE IT, AND I AM READY, SIR.

Both teams played not to lose in the overtime period, with minimal scoring opportunities for both teams.

Coach Whitmore seemed preoccupied during the overtime period, talking on his cellphone to an unknown person.

The overtime clock ticked to all zeroes...and it was time for a shootout.

First up for the aliens is E.T.
Fleury is miraculous and robs him.
E.T. had never seen a poke check like that before.

The NHLers sent out Lecavalier as their first shooter.
T. Alien denies him.

Next up for the aliens is ALF.
Fleury stones him.

Sidney Crosby is next for the NHL squad.
Yeah, like he would score in a shootout.

The third shooter the aliens send out is The Great Gazoo.
He dekes Fleury badly but rings it off the pipe.

MULL-KIN! MULL-KIN! MULL-KIN!!

Coach Whitmore decides to use his timeout before Malkin takes his shot.
It's unconventional, but it is allowed in intergalactic rules.

As it turns out, it was a time-buying technique.

Malkin comes down on T. Alien.
One, Two, Three, Triple Deke.
For a split second, the puck just hung there, but when that water bottle plopped onto the ice, the place went beserk.

How did Malkin beat T. Alien????

With a little help from a friend of Coach Whitmore.


I gave the goalie a cold.
I gave it a virus; a computer virus.
..................................................................

In the end, as the NHL is saved, the Aliens are forced back to their planet, stunned.
The Aliens, in total frustration, destroy all Nascar tracks in the South.
150,000 people in North Carolina, Alabama, and Arkansas kill themselves.

During the clean up of Daytona International Raceway, a worker finds a rock that has no earthly business being there. Under the rock is a note:

" Its A Great Day for Hockey."

61 comments:

Anonymous said...

WTF...OH MY. You guys are offically on crack.

Anonymous said...

What the...?

kate said...

i LOVE it.

bravo.

Anonymous said...

are you guys insane

Lloyd said...

Can i have some of what you smoked/injected.

Seems like some high quality shit there.

Anonymous said...

hahaha wow

Joshua said...

That, ladies and gentlemen, was a work of literary art.

I completely lost it when MAF came back in the F-16.

The ending was clutch. It is always a great day for hockey.

Mike said...

There is a puddle of coke on my floor thanks to you guys. The blown offsides is beyond funny.

"relmo chicken balls" said...

The last refresh before I went to bed.

What a post.

I've read it twice.

and yes, that blown offsides call killed me.

great site, guys!

seth said...

Mark Eaton's sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion

Anonymous said...

reading this actually made me forget the Pens lost yesterday, great stuff guys.

-Eric

Adrienne said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adrienne said...

fixed:
Why the hell isn't St. Louis on either of those lines? Come on, you know he and Vinny are attached at the hip.

On another note, I'm starting to think you guys might have too much time on your hands :x

Derek said...

Adrienne,

The Aliens would of killed st. Louis.

By the way Adrienne did you know one of your questions was on crash the net on sunday? Your in london right?

I was cracking up, we meant to put it in the recap but forgot.


And yes we have more time on our hands then you even know.

Anonymous said...

I want the past 10 minutes of my life back.

tiffany said...

Ohhhh........myyyy........Goddd!!!
(Said by Janice from Friends or Fran Drescher from The Nanny) =)

You guys really ARE quite mad, but that’s why I love coming to this site. Who was responsible for this truly magnificent masterpiece anyway--the whole staff or just one or two of you???


......and uh.....btw........I want some of what you guys have too.....hehe.

Anonymous said...

Ohhh man.

-Pff

Elizabeth said...

wow...that just made my horrible insomnia a little bit better. thanks.

Andrew said...

Dudes...I have been thinking about that wonderful speech from ID4 for awhile now.

Well done. I laughed my ass off.

Anonymous said...

After reading this and Seth's Mark Eaton sperm comment, you guys are stoned but goddamn funny.

Antonette said...

Holyshit, that was beyond brilliant.
Luongo would totally lose it before an intergalactic battle for the fate of hockey.

This reassures me that MAF can play in shooutouts and in playoff games.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant...outstanding...

Thanks...

Will said...

if my wife wasn't still asleep i would be rolling on the floor. I nearly lost it with the NFL teams choke there reference. Then I maybe scarred for life seeing ALF beat out Bonds, appearently steroids doesn't help a throwing arm.

ryan said...

This is my first season reading the Pensblog. Hilarious. Insightful. All that good stuff.

My only question is if you guys get so stir crazy when the Pens have two days off that you come up with brilliance like this...what the hell do you do during the offseason??

Anonymous said...

incredible best post yey

Adrienne said...

By the way Adrienne did you know one of your questions was on crash the net on sunday? Your in london right?

Yeah I know. I was listening and they were asking for emails from people around the world, so I figured I'd contribute.

They totally didn't answer my question either /mad

Rico Fatastic said...

I don't know what was better, the ALF picture or the Return of MAF. Screw it- the whole thing was absolutely brilliant.

Anonymous said...

longest post ever

loralei said...

You guys never cease to amaze me.

Stoosh said...

Coffee.
Meet monitor.

Between the picture of Alf sliding into home plate and the comment about Crosby in the shootout, I now have a headache from laughing so hard. On top of that, I ran out of Advil.

"Why don't you just kick my dog while you're here?"

:)

Seriously, that stuff was f'ing brilliant.

Jon said...

The thing is I'm on about three Vic's right now, and I was friggin' captivated by this...I hung on your every word. I think i'm ashamed of myself

Mia said...

I love Independence Day! I watched it this week when I should have been studying for midterms...whoops.

Anyhow, this post makes my day, guys. Thanks! :-D

Mike said...

Holy Shit...I was laughing so hard at work reading this..

AJ said...

wow... I just pooped.

and I still can't believe that limp wristed bastard Barry Bonds couldn't throw out a fuzzy alien from Planet Melmac. At least Walk got the save.

alex said...

Amazing beyond amazing. Where you came up with that is beyond me. Mark Eaton = indestructable.

Bert said...

Great post,
If Eaton had put on Brodeur's equipment and posted the shootout shut out, I would have thought this really happened.

Marc said...

You guys are hilarious.... where the hell do you come up with this stuff?

kate said...

hey, did you guys see you got a shoutout on the PG blog?

Anonymous said...

What made this post was the well-used quotes from one of my favorite highlight films of all time: One from the Heart. i watched it or against the odds every time the pens played a truly terrible game the past 4+ years

Tee said...

damn... this is the best thing you've done since the Magnitigorsk Redemption.. fabulous work lads.

HotDog_Zanzabar said...

Longest, shittiest, post ever. You guys should get arrested by the blog police for 'typing while extremely gay.'

Anonymous said...

MICHAEL MICHAEL MOTORCYCLE!

Mark Eaton's sperm is so badass, he had sex with a Ford Excursion, and 7 months later it prematurely gave birth to a Chuck Norris...

Mike said...

Who knew that a random airing of Independence Day over the weekend would inspire such hilarious insanity.. Thank you whatever jobber channel (read: TBS or TNT) decided to bring back this 90's classic. I really feel though Will Smith starring as Kevin Weekes should've been playing backup somewhere. This oversight completely overlooks the strong African-American contingent of hockey fans..... yeah I guess you guys did your demographic homework

tiffany said...

Since you're imagining Metallica's "Enter Sandman" while you're reading "Close Encounters Of The New NHL" anyway, here it is:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRYDetbwegs

Scott said...

thats some great shit guys...u watch independence day this weekend cause i did lol

Staff said...

i think everyone saw it this weekend hahaha

Scott said...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=b9r_Xq1ZCAw

the speech

pensblog chris said...

zanzabar...haha thanks for the comments. the good comments wouldnt be as good without the bad ones. thanks for coming.



go pens

tiffany said...

Scott,
Hahahaha.....great YouTube find. :)

Shanna said...

Wow...that was brilliant. Very funny. You guys just made me crappy day a lot better. Thank god tomorrow is a hockey night. I get bored when they have time off.

Shanna said...

Wow...that was brilliant. Very funny. You guys just made me crappy day a lot better. Thank god tomorrow is a hockey night. I get bored when they have time off.

rachel said...

I read this post last night and it took me a while to stop laughing and get some sleep! You guys rock!

Anonymous said...

Where do you guys get the inspiration for half of the stuff on this site?

I absolutely loved reading this before work this morning, thinking and laughing to myself for the rest of the day.

I'm new to this blog (about a month) and I'm hoping for all of your sakes that you have copy write protection on your material. It needs to be published (besides on the internet.)

You guys are geniuses!!!

I've seen wonderful, brilliant, outstanding, hilarious, insightful, incredible, amazing, and fabulous used to describe how people feel about your post. You need to be applauded for your insanity.

Thank you so much!!!

Karri

Washington85 said...

just amazing...this had me crakcing up the entire time..beautiful

Anonymous said...

That was completely crack-tastic! Funniest thing I've read in forever, and just what those of us who banged our heads at practice today needed!
Share the pipe, cause that was great!

rachel said...

So, how anyone else seen this article?

Bob Smizik: Penguins' turnaround defies odds
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/07052/763657-194.stm

Maybe Bob was fearing the wrath of Pens fans and decided to write something good...

tiffany said...

Rachel,
Thanks for the article because I did NOT see it--not too shabby. Who knew Smizik could actually say something decent about the Pens.

Mark Eaton must have been pointing a gun at his head or threatened to sleep with ALL of his female relatives.

Oh well...whatever the reason, I'll take it.

alan said...

LOVE this article, but there is one alien that I can't believe didn't make the cut, can anyone give a holla for Michael Jackson.

rachel said...

Tiffany, you're welcome for the article!

Actually, Smizik didn't write it. Mark Eaton used his mind control.

lisacabissa said...

that story was the best story ive ever read. not bc of the nhl winning, but the line about brodeur. haha. great. i loved it.

lisacabissa said...

that story was the best story ive ever read. not bc of the nhl winning, but the line about brodeur. haha. great. i loved it.

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