Friday, December 22, 2006

The Pensblog Takes Action

Okay, Pens fans. We have come up with four initiatives here that Ravenstahl and company will not be able to ignore.

But, first, we have to discuss our other options to fund an arena if our four plans do not pass.

1. Win the PowerBall.

You would be a god in this town if you won a $195 million jackpot in the PowerBall and gave the money to build the new arena.
Every Pens fan in the world buys ten PowerBall tickets in every possible PowerBall drawing. Odds are that sooner or later, one of us could hit. But probably not.

2. The "Shoeless Joe Jackson" Initiative

This would be tough for us to execute because we hate to see our Pens lose.
However, our plan is to contact the Pens and have them throw the rest of their season; losing every game while keeping an eye on the spread and the over/under for every game.
Pens fans everywhere bet against the Pens for the rest of the season.
$290 million dollars.
New Arena.


We present to you our arena-funding initiatives: Plans C, D, E, and F.

VOTE at the end of the post.

( For all plans, the NHL will have the Pens play all 82 games on the road in the 2007-08 season. )

The funding for this plan will center around the American public's fascination with James Taylor. He is very rich. We contact him and spill our hearts to him about the Pens.
He puts a down payment on a new arena and sings the national anthems at every Penguin game.
The rest of the money would come from deals with the brand-new Wal-Mart, KFC, and Sheetz built on Crawford Street.
Wal-Mart is loaded.

An 18,000-seat facility built in the Lower Hill.
Tampax was originally slated to get the naming rights to the Steelers new football stadium, but complications arose when discussion began on what would happen when the Steelers got inside the 20-yard line.
Also, there are on-going talks with LifeTime to show movies during the intermissions between periods.
Funding for this arena would be provided by The Mall at Robinson.
This plan would also include a Jake Wheatley Memorial Statue to be built beside the new Penguins practice facility.

A 17,000-seat arena built and designed in homage to one of Pittsburgh's most controversial personalities.
The arena would be funded by drug dealers in nearby neighborhoods. Dealers must come up with $200 million cash up-front.
It would also be funded by holding back John Fedko's salary every other year for the next 20 years.
This initiative also calls for a total re-vamping of the Hill District. Houses would be torn down and replaced with 3,000 Dek-Hockey rinks.
A Jake Wheatley Memorial Urinal is in the plan as well.

We saved the best for last.
Our goal here is for every Pens fan to not use Comcast Cable.
The moronic Steelers Comcast commercials would stop due to lack of revenue.
Comcast realizes the Steelers are essentially to blame for their drop in earnings.
They bring Heinz Field to the ground.
The Steelers move into PNC Park and can only play 4 home games per year.
A brand new, state-of-the-art replica of Mellon Arena is built in the ashes of Heinz Field.
Jerome Bettis Memorial Port-A-Johns are one of the things we could lose if the negotiations get intense.


Ravenstahl, the puck is in your zone.

Pensblog, out.


Which plan is the best?
Plan C

Plan D

Plan E

Plan F

Current results


Colcloughs Hands said...

hahaha thanks for making me laugh out loud at 2 am fuckers
"the steelers are entering the tampax red zone" hahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Our you guys serious... words cannot describe the comedy in this post

Joshua said...

(from pittsburgh)

You guys had to have been high when writing this....BRILLIANT!

When I saw the first solution, I knew this was going to be one hell of a post. I've never done powerball before, but now I will.

Tampax red zone, wow.

Jerome bashing, love it.

Jake Wheatley's memorial head must be made of gold with diamond eyes, so you dont offend the hill.

But seriously, we need a rally....with lots of people.

Colcloughs Hands said...

as a tribute to the hill i think the new arena should be called "the crackhouse"

Derek said...


Josh we just have wayyy to much time on our hands

Joshua said...

(from pittsburgh)

or name the arena: "The hoe-dome"

Colcloughs Hands said...

the qtrs in that tampax stadium will be referred to as periods.......and when the defense makes a big stop, bill hillgrove will say they "stopped the bleeding"

Colcloughs Hands said...

and theyll show lifetime movie network on the jumbotron

Derek said...

"and theyll show lifetime movie network on the jumbotron"

Thats Gold


Colcloughs Hands said...

this is fun.......
see theres all sorts of sponsorship dollars to be made

Adam said...

colclough, we're grabbing that from you.


Colcloughs Hands said...

maybe the buccos can work out a sponsorship with summers eve......kevin mcclatchy and dave littlefield can be the face of the campaign.
i mean, baseball IS played in the SUMMER....and they are both douchebags
fuck i should be in marketing

Colcloughs Hands said...

billy tibbets will run the concessions at the crackhouse

Adrienne said...

I really didn't get the Tampax comment until I had my brother explain it to me.
If I forget to mention, I ONLY understand hockey- and all other sports need to be explained in regards to how hockey is played?

Regardless, other sport jokes aside that went right over my head... I vote for plan F. Although the drive to the north shore would be a bitch, I'd be in favor of hitting up the CSC before home games :)

Derek said...

We got your email. We are going to mention it tomorrow. Unreal work on that. Your email kinda of inspired us on this post.

I feel bad for your brother. hahha

Goodnight everyone

Thanks as usual

Tony said...

Classic fellas....


Colcloughs Hands said...

after 3 1/2 hours sleep, i am back with plan G........Mt lebanon officials convince mark cuban that their town needs a life size replica of his ego........after constructed, the 230 million that dan onorato says already exists will more than cover the inside of the building

EmDubs said...

ha ha..... you guys forgot to say that the Tampax Arena will be painted pink and everyone, including the men and players, will be required to wear their pink jerseys.....

and to joshua (from pittsburgh). I'm all for the rally. I could try to help you organize it if you want. We can swap emails through the Pensblog guys or something if you're interested, let me know.

Colcloughs Hands said...

they need to put a rink in PNC park, so for once it can field a competitive team

Anonymous said...

hahahahha love the site..oh man

Anonymous said...

can you imagine what the scoreboard would look like when the steelers would enter the red zone?

Instead of ketchup bottles...I can't even begin to fathom.

This post is probably the best thing I have ever encountered.

Colcloughs Hands said...

it would be a huge vagina(or a big picture of former mayor tom murphy, same difference)
and the further into the redzone they make it, the further the tampon is inserted
all this shit is way too easy to figure out....the pensblog is gonna finance the new penguins barn with its foolproof marketing schemes

Mark Rauterkus said...


Great dig to have a sponsorship via the Mall at Robinson.

I give you props at my site.

Anonymous said...

this is so funny! keep up the good work!

as for a rally, name the time and place and i'm there!

wes said...


"Despite the Penguins' long-standing arena issues, Pittsburgh remains one of the NHL's strongest U.S. markets. The Penguins, who have no NBA team in town to draw away attention and fans, played to 92 percent of arena capacity last season, despite a fourth consecutive last-place finish.

"Ticket sales are strong for the rest of this season. TV ratings also are among the highest of any U.S. city."

pensblog chris said...

i love you guys

Joshua said...

(from pittsburgh)

Hey I'm going to explore possible dates for a rally...IE just waving signs at cars driving around Mellon Arena. If you are interested in helping out email me at

Im not looking to have a sellout of 17,000 people there, but enough to be noticed. I might pull a few strings and try to get some of the media out there if we can get enough people.

I've never organized something like this before...but once again, I'm not going to sit back and let this go by.

Anonymous said...

Thanks guys, thats all I can say

TheGuyFromPgh said...

Yinz guys are brilliant... I just started reading your shit and so far its priceless... I just wish that we could focus on some positifve shit day to day.

Elly said...

Excellent post. If I ever win the powerball, and after buying a new mustang, I would definitely fund a new arena.

I heard that there were already picketers outside Mellon the other day during the Pens practice...anyone see this?

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let everyone here know there is already a rally being put together for January 7th at Mellon Arena at 3 pm (before the sold out Malkin bobblehead game). Spread the word!

CDY said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CDY said...

Have any of you seen the reallignment article on Yahoo? They are proposing going from 6 divisions to 4. And the Pens would be in a division with, get this, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto, Buffalo, Boston, and freaking Columbus! Thanks for trying to kill our rivalries Board of Governors! Did the Pens move to Hamilton already and Mario just forgot to tell us? And here I was thinking this week couldn't get any worse for Pens fans.

Derek said...

cdy I am working a post right now, I was just getting to that, being We have ingnored everything non-pens the last fews days,, horrible divisions

CDY said...

I love the part where right after it tells the proposed divisions it talks about how they are all excited about the thought of being back in the same division as the Caps. Ya think? I can't imagine why Philly doesn't want to face Sid and the boys 8 times a year. Nevermind the brilliant idea of putting Atlanta in the western conference. Someone send Bettman $5 to buy a map!


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