Friday, December 1, 2006
Click here for the source of the rumors.
Please vote at the bottom!
The dedicated bloggers who investigate these vicious felonies are part of an elite squad known as The Pensblog Unit.
These are their stories...
Derek Rocco - Defense
Andrew Beckett - Assistant Defense Counsel
Adam Caldwell - District Attorney
Chris and Gabe - Pensblog Detectives
The honorable Lance Ito - Presiding Judge
Snuffleupagus - Bailiff
Patrick: What do you guys want?
C & G: Mr. Patrick, may we have a word?
Patrick: I told you on the phone. I know nothing about the rumored Naslund trade.
C & G: This trade could crumble the Penguins' infrastructure.
Patrick: Not my problem.
C & G: We'll let a court of law decide that. Put some clothes on; you're goin' downtown.
Patrick: For what?
C & G: So you can finally look Markus Naslund's family in the eye.
Mike Lange: Book him, Dano.
Our story continues in the Allegheny County Courthouse where Judge Lance Ito presides over case number 3606: The People vs. The Penguins not bringing Markus Naslund back.
Court is about to be in session.
Snuffleupagus: ALL RISE! The honorable Lance Ito presiding.
Judge Ito: (walks to his chair and stops) You in the back! Stand up!
How do you plead?
Derek Rocco: We plead not guilty, your honor.
[ Crowd Gasps ]
Judge Ito: Fair enough. Prosecutor...your opening statement?
Adam Caldwell: Thank you, your honor.
I know that salary cap talk makes people shudder in Pittsburgh, but would it be hard to rationalize the Pens having more spending money laying around now that Jim Balsillie is the owner of the Penguins?
The Pens could be in great shape by acquiring an accomplished left winger to play with Malkin or Crosby while maybe getting rid of Ryan Malone and/or an Erik Christensen type of player.
Finally, might I add that Markus Naslund scored 164 goals from 2000-2005...the most in the National Hockey League?
Judge Ito: Thank you, Mr. Caldwell.
Mr. Rocco, your opening statement?
DR: Thank you, your honor
Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Judge Ito.
You know hockey is a special sport. Unlike any sport in the world. One trade can define not only your team for that season, but also in the seasons to come. Hockey is not about drawing up plays and learning 4,000 routes and audibles. It’s a game of raw skill and talent molded together with the pursuit of greatness, and the want and determination to be the best. Is it wrong to want to be the best?
I didn’t think so.
I am here to tell you why you cannot have Marcus Naslund back; why it would be a huge mistake.
I could tell you he makes almost $6 million per year and will want an increase in cash money when he becomes an unrestricted free agent after the 07-08 season.
I can tell you that you are going to have to part with good, young talent to get him.
I can tell you that he went to Magician Summer Camp and learned how to disappear in the playoffs.
I can tell you all of this, but you already know.
Judge Ito: Prosecution, call your witness.
AC: Your honor, the state calls Alex Stojanov to the stand.
Judge Ito: Who?
AC: The player traded for Naslund in 1996.
Judge Ito: He's still alive? Proceed...
[ Stojanov at the witness stand ]
Snuffleupagus: Raise your right hand, and place your left hand on Joe Starkey's new book, "Tales from the Pittsburgh Penguins," on sale at Amazon.com
Do you swear that the testimony you're about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Mario?
Stojanov: I do.
AC: State your full name for the court.
Stojanov: Alex Stojanov
AC: What is your current profession?
Stojanov: I work at Sparkle Car Wash on the corner of --
DR: Is this relevant, your honor?
Judge Ito: Get to the point, prosecutor.
AC: You're a bum, Stojanov. How many goals did you score?
Stojanov: Two, sir.
AC: No, not in 1996. In your whole career.
Stojanov: Two, sir.
AC: Wow. That's pathetic. Do you feel that you and Markus Naslund are interchangeable?
Stojanov: No, sir. But I can wash cars better than he can.
AC: That's not what I asked. Were the Penguins fairly compensated in that 1996 trade?
Stojanov: No, sir.
[ People Gasp ]
AC: One final question to show you have no allegiance to Pittsburgh...
Gretzky or Mario?
Stojanov: Gretzky, undoubtedly.
AC: No further questions.
Judge Ito: Mr. Rocco, your witness.
DR: Mr. Stojanov, you were a first round draft pick, eh?
Stojanov: Yea, what's it to ya?
DR: Well you could of been the next big thing.
Stojanov: I didn't pan out. Nothing I can do.
DR: I beg to differ, Your Honor in my hand is exhibit 68 Mr. Beckett please..
Beckett: In this folder it you will find the real reason Mr. Stojanov failed to meet his potentional
Judge Ito: Ew don’t you have Aids.
DR: Yea that is sick.. But moving forward your honor
AC: Objection! You can't do this!
Judge Ito: I am interested. Please tell
DR: Mr. Stojanov would you like tell the court?
Stojanov: Tell them what?
DR: THE TRUTH!
Stojanov: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! YOU WANT IT?
DR: ALL OF IT!
Stojanov: Son, we live in a world that has boards, and those boards have to be guarded by men with hockey sticks. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Alexandre Daigle? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Naslund, and you curse the fourth liners. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that the Naslund trade, while tragic, probably won hockey games. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins hockey games. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about in the press box, you want me on that ice, you need me on that ice. We use phrases like jobber, cheap goals, and wrister. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending the top lines of other teams. You use them as a story on your little blog. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who couldn’t battle in the corner for a puck. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you drop the gloves, and dance. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think.
DR: No further questions your honor..
Judge Ito: This is more screwed up than the O.J trial. Defense, would you like to call a witness?
Snuffleupagus: Do you swear on the good name of Badger Bob to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Mario?
CP: I do.
DR: Please state your name for the court
CP: Craig Patrick.
DR: Mr. Patrick, how many Stanley Cups did you win?
DR: You helped USA hockey win a gold medal in the 1980 Olympics against the USSR. Correct?
CP: Yes, it was actually called the “Miracle on Ice”.
DR: Yes, Mr. Patrick, I know. Please stick to the questions.
CP: Yea, sorry.
DR: So it is safe to say you are a fairly good judge of hockey talent in the world?
CP: The Best.
DR: Mr. Patrick, please explain the events of March 20, 1996...
CP: I traded Markus Naslund for him.
DR: Was Naslund underwhelming you with his play?
AC: Objection! Come on! He is leading the witness!
Judge Ito: This is a court of law, gentlemen. Objection sustained.
DR: Fine. Let me rephrase. Did Markus Naslund suck?
CP: He was horrible. He couldn’t score, he couldn’t pass, he was a whiner, we did not think he would pan out.
DR: Do you regret the trade?
[ People Gasp ]
Naslund isn’t that great, he is overpaid, and isn’t getting any better. He is played out; done. He got to his peak, and I am not impressed.
Mr. Regular season...9 career playoff goals? What a joke.
DR: No further questions your honor.
Judge Ito: Prosecution, your witness.
AC: Mr. Patrick.
AC: Did I hear something earlier about you being a purveyor of world-class hockey talent?
CP: Yes, I am.
AC: Oh, really?
Your honor, the prosecution wishes to call a few rebuttal witness to the stand.
DR: I object. These witnesses weren't on the list.
AC They are being brought in specifically to refute direct testimony of a witness.
Judge Ito: You stole that from A Few Good Men, but proceed.
AC: State calls Konstantin Koltsov, Kris Beech, Rico Fata, John LeClair, Ross Lupaschuk, Jani Rita ---
DR: Your honor, this parade of witnesses will do nothing but solidify the insanity of Mr. Caldwell.
AC: Your honor, we are just proving our evaluation of Craig Patrick's GM Skills.
Judge Ito: Will all witnesses testify that they suck?
AC: Yes, your honor.
Judge Ito: Put that on the record. Any more questions?
AC: No, but Mr. Patrick....
AC: [ shakes hand ] Thanks for the 1991 and 1992 Stanley Cups.
No further questions.
DR: Ladies and Gentlemen, you have the facts now. And as you can see, Markus Naslund is not worth the trade. If we could unload some jobbers for him, fine. But is he worth even a draft pick? Is he worth giving up Jordan Staal? The very thing that Mr. Naslund supporters gripe about is that Craig Patrick supposedly mortgaged the future by getting rid of him. Well, if that really is the case, would you want your boy Ray Shero to do the same?
I told you about the sugarplums the D.A would feed you. The goals. The great talent. All I can say is don’t listen to your heart. Listen to your head on this one, folks. Good luck and God bless.
AC: Short and sweet. Balsillie is here. Money is here. Our pool of young talent will do us some more good than them just banging chicks in Wilkes Barre/Scranton.
Ouellet, Malone, and Draft Pick for Naslund.
This case for me is cake.
Money in the bank.
Good Luck and Mario Bless.
Your turn, Pensblogites
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