Friday, December 1, 2006

(The following story is based on rumors circulating about possible trade for Markus Naslund)
Click here for the source of the rumors.

Please vote at the bottom!
You're deciding.

In Pittsburgh, the crimes committed by general managers are considered especially heinous.
The dedicated bloggers who investigate these vicious felonies are part of an elite squad known as The Pensblog Unit.
These are their stories...

CAST


Derek Rocco - Defense

Andrew Beckett - Assistant Defense Counsel

Adam Caldwell - District Attorney

Chris and Gabe - Pensblog Detectives

The honorable Lance Ito - Presiding Judge


Snuffleupagus - Bailiff


Craig Patrick

Alex Stojanov

.................................................................

Pensblog detectives Chris and Gabe show up at the residence of Craig Patrick to issue a subpoena. Craig Patrick comes to the door, wearing only boxers and holding a ham sandwich.

Patrick: What do you guys want?
C & G: Mr. Patrick, may we have a word?
Patrick: I told you on the phone. I know nothing about the rumored Naslund trade.
C & G: This trade could crumble the Penguins' infrastructure.
Patrick: Not my problem.
C & G: We'll let a court of law decide that. Put some clothes on; you're goin' downtown.
Patrick: For what?
C & G: So you can finally look Markus Naslund's family in the eye.
Mike Lange: Book him, Dano.


Our story continues in the Allegheny County Courthouse where Judge Lance Ito presides over case number 3606: The People vs. The Penguins not bringing Markus Naslund back.

9:00 A.M.
Court is about to be in session.

Snuffleupagus: ALL RISE! The honorable Lance Ito presiding.
Judge Ito: (walks to his chair and stops) You in the back! Stand up!


I can't.

Judge Ito: Fine.
The rest of you can be seated.
Pittsburgh Penguins, you are charged with wanting to bring Markus Naslund back.
How do you plead?

Derek Rocco: We plead not guilty, your honor.
[ Crowd Gasps ]

Judge Ito: Fair enough. Prosecutor...your opening statement?
Adam Caldwell: Thank you, your honor.

People of the court and especially Pensblog readers, I address you tonight with a few points of interest in this case.
What case can I present to you that supports the theory that the Penguins should acquire Markus Naslund?
The Vancouver Canucks currently have a payroll of $43.4 million, barely holding beneath the $44 million salary cap. Markus Naslund accounts for $6 million of that. With goalie Robert Luongo bringing in $6.5 million per year for the next four years, what you see is a touchy situation in Vancouver. Roughly one-third of their cap room is taken up by two players. Naslund is currently in the second year of a three-year contract.
I know that salary cap talk makes people shudder in Pittsburgh, but would it be hard to rationalize the Pens having more spending money laying around now that Jim Balsillie is the owner of the Penguins?
The Pens could be in great shape by acquiring an accomplished left winger to play with Malkin or Crosby while maybe getting rid of Ryan Malone and/or an Erik Christensen type of player.
Finally, might I add that Markus Naslund scored 164 goals from 2000-2005...the most in the National Hockey League?

Judge Ito: Thank you, Mr. Caldwell.
Mr. Rocco, your opening statement?
DR: Thank you, your honor

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury. Judge Ito.
You know hockey is a special sport. Unlike any sport in the world. One trade can define not only your team for that season, but also in the seasons to come. Hockey is not about drawing up plays and learning 4,000 routes and audibles. It’s a game of raw skill and talent molded together with the pursuit of greatness, and the want and determination to be the best. Is it wrong to want to be the best?
I didn’t think so.
Hockey, over the years, has made the theatre of trades oh so dramatic. Everybody thinks one great player and you're on the way to Lord Stanley’s Cup. The culture has encouraged the typical message board fan to search and yearn for the big trade...and that’s why we are here today: The case of Mr. Markus Naslund.
I am here to tell you why you cannot have Marcus Naslund back; why it would be a huge mistake.
I could tell you he makes almost $6 million per year and will want an increase in cash money when he becomes an unrestricted free agent after the 07-08 season.
I can tell you that you are going to have to part with good, young talent to get him.
I can tell you that he went to Magician Summer Camp and learned how to disappear in the playoffs.
I can tell you all of this, but you already know.
Thank you.

..............

Judge Ito: Prosecution, call your witness.
AC: Your honor, the state calls Alex Stojanov to the stand.
Judge Ito: Who?
AC: The player traded for Naslund in 1996.
Judge Ito: He's still alive? Proceed...

[ Stojanov at the witness stand ]
Snuffleupagus: Raise your right hand, and place your left hand on Joe Starkey's new book, "Tales from the Pittsburgh Penguins," on sale at Amazon.com

Do you swear that the testimony you're about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Mario?

Stojanov: I do.
AC: State your full name for the court.
Stojanov: Alex Stojanov
AC: What is your current profession?
Stojanov: I work at Sparkle Car Wash on the corner of --
DR: Is this relevant, your honor?

Judge Ito: Get to the point, prosecutor.

AC: You're a bum, Stojanov. How many goals did you score?
Stojanov: Two, sir.
AC: No, not in 1996. In your whole career.
Stojanov: Two, sir.
AC: Wow. That's pathetic. Do you feel that you and Markus Naslund are interchangeable?
Stojanov: No, sir. But I can wash cars better than he can.
AC: That's not what I asked. Were the Penguins fairly compensated in that 1996 trade?
Stojanov: No, sir.
[ People Gasp ]

AC: One final question to show you have no allegiance to Pittsburgh...
Gretzky or Mario?
Stojanov: Gretzky, undoubtedly.
AC: No further questions.

Judge Ito: Mr. Rocco, your witness.


DR: Mr. Stojanov, you were a first round draft pick, eh?
Stojanov: Yea, what's it to ya?
DR: Well you could of been the next big thing.
Stojanov: I didn't pan out. Nothing I can do.
DR: I beg to differ, Your Honor in my hand is exhibit 68 Mr. Beckett please..
Beckett
: In this folder it you will find the real reason Mr. Stojanov failed to meet his potentional

Judge Ito: Ew don’t you have Aids.
DR: Yea that is sick.. But moving forward your honor
AC: Objection! You can't do this!
Judge Ito: I am interested. Please tell
DR: Mr. Stojanov would you like tell the court?
Stojanov: Tell them what?
DR: THE TRUTH!
Stojanov: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! YOU WANT IT?
DR: ALL OF IT!
Stojanov: Son, we live in a world that has boards, and those boards have to be guarded by men with hockey sticks. Whose gonna do it? You? You, Alexandre Daigle? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Naslund, and you curse the fourth liners. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know; that the Naslund trade, while tragic, probably won hockey games. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins hockey games. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about in the press box, you want me on that ice, you need me on that ice. We use phrases like jobber, cheap goals, and wrister. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending the top lines of other teams. You use them as a story on your little blog. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who couldn’t battle in the corner for a puck. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you drop the gloves, and dance. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think.

DR: No further questions your honor..


...................................

Judge Ito: This is more screwed up than the O.J trial. Defense, would you like to call a witness?
DR: Your Honor, the defense calls Mr. Craig Patrick to the stand.

Snuffleupagus: Do you swear on the good name of Badger Bob to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Mario?
CP: I do.

DR: Please state your name for the court

CP: Craig Patrick.
DR: Mr. Patrick, how many Stanley Cups did you win?
CP: Two.
DR: You helped USA hockey win a gold medal in the 1980 Olympics against the USSR. Correct?
CP: Yes, it was actually called the “Miracle on Ice”.
DR: Yes, Mr. Patrick, I know. Please stick to the questions.
CP: Yea, sorry.
DR: So it is safe to say you are a fairly good judge of hockey talent in the world?
CP: The Best.
DR: Mr. Patrick, please explain the events of March 20, 1996...

CP: Sure thing. I got a call from the GM of Vancouver Pat Quinn, and he said he had some jobber who could protect some of my guys; we were going for a Cup baby! I had to do something.
DR: So what did you do, Mr. Patrick?
CP: I traded Markus Naslund for him.
DR: Was Naslund underwhelming you with his play?
AC: Objection! Come on! He is leading the witness!
Judge Ito: This is a court of law, gentlemen. Objection sustained.
DR: Fine. Let me rephrase. Did Markus Naslund suck?
CP: He was horrible. He couldn’t score, he couldn’t pass, he was a whiner, we did not think he would pan out.
DR: Do you regret the trade?
CP: No!
[ People Gasp ]
Naslund isn’t that great, he is overpaid, and isn’t getting any better. He is played out; done. He got to his peak, and I am not impressed.
Mr. Regular season...9 career playoff goals? What a joke.
DR: No further questions your honor.

Judge Ito: Prosecution, your witness.

AC: Mr. Patrick.
CP: Yes?
AC: Did I hear something earlier about you being a purveyor of world-class hockey talent?
CP: Yes, I am.
AC: Oh, really?
Your honor, the prosecution wishes to call a few rebuttal witness to the stand.
DR: I object. These witnesses weren't on the list.
AC They are being brought in specifically to refute direct testimony of a witness.
Judge Ito: You stole that from A Few Good Men, but proceed.
AC: State calls Konstantin Koltsov, Kris Beech, Rico Fata, John LeClair, Ross Lupaschuk, Jani Rita ---
DR: Your honor, this parade of witnesses will do nothing but solidify the insanity of Mr. Caldwell.
AC: Your honor, we are just proving our evaluation of Craig Patrick's GM Skills.
Judge Ito: Will all witnesses testify that they suck?
AC: Yes, your honor.
Judge Ito: Put that on the record. Any more questions?
AC: No, but Mr. Patrick....
CP: Yes?
AC: [ shakes hand ] Thanks for the 1991 and 1992 Stanley Cups.
No further questions.

......................................................

CLOSING ARGUMENTS

DR: Ladies and Gentlemen, you have the facts now. And as you can see, Markus Naslund is not worth the trade. If we could unload some jobbers for him, fine. But is he worth even a draft pick? Is he worth giving up Jordan Staal? The very thing that Mr. Naslund supporters gripe about is that Craig Patrick supposedly mortgaged the future by getting rid of him. Well, if that really is the case, would you want your boy Ray Shero to do the same?
I told you about the sugarplums the D.A would feed you. The goals. The great talent. All I can say is don’t listen to your heart. Listen to your head on this one, folks. Good luck and God bless.

AC: Short and sweet. Balsillie is here. Money is here. Our pool of young talent will do us some more good than them just banging chicks in Wilkes Barre/Scranton.
Ouellet, Malone, and Draft Pick for Naslund.
This case for me is cake.
Money in the bank.
Good Luck and Mario Bless.

....................................

Your turn, Pensblogites










Should the Penguins acquire Markus Naslund?


Yes







No










Current results




31 comments:

John P. said...

You guys are insane..words cannot not describe this..

I voted Yes.. bring him back!

Anonymous said...

yea, ouellet and malone are the next two on the chopping block.

possibly welch when eaton comes back too.

-Jay

Seth said...

Outstanding work men. One question(probably dumb), but are there acutal rumors of Naslund coming back to the burgh?

Adam said...

yea haha.

we should link that in the post.

Anonymous said...

wow

Andrew said...

Naslund is overrated. His time in the league is fading...and the only way I would be OK with a trade of him coming back is if Vancouver would take some of his salary, which I'm not even sure is possible in the new NHL.

Anonymous said...

Why is getting Naslund a bad thing? If we can get him for Malone and Ouellet then why don't we do it? For once I don't think money is an issue with our current salary cap situation plus Balsille. He might be overpaid but his contract comes off the books next year and it is safe to say that as a 35 year old he won't demand 6 million annually. He might not be the perfect fit but don't we need proven NHL scorers? I'd give a combination of Malone, Ouellet, Christensen because its safe to say that we know what we are getting in Malone and Ouellet and with Christensen, being a center, he may never get a spot in the lineup barring injuries.

Anonymous said...

Give me Straka instead please!!

dogwithshftyeyes said...

naslund would THRIVE on a line with sid or malkin. he is exactly the kind of finisher this team needs. however if it came down to giving up someone like staal for him, or a first round pick, its not worth it. malone, christensen, oullette maybe a 2nd round pick. any combination of those would be a solid deal.

loralei said...

OMG! This is fabulous and getting forwarded to everyone i know.

Excellent work guys!

Derek said...

loralei thank you very much, glad you enjoyed it


dog,

I agree with you in some ways, but in others I am not sure if this team needs Marcus Naslund. If we don't have to trade staal or some other young guys I say maybe.. I am on the fence about it.. its a solid debate

Anonymous said...

I just have to say that you guys have the best blog. This Naslund one is excellent.

Anonymous said...

i am sending this post to everyone i know.

it's going in my away message.

my roommate actually came into my room to see what i was laughing about.

great.

oh, and trade for nazzie

Anonymous said...

Love the Few Good Men takeoffs....might as well bring Naslund in, he can't be any less productive than Ouelette has been

Mike Tomczak's Telestrator said...

we all thought that ziggy palfy would bring leadership and score goals too

Gabe said...

Mike T...

I don't know if i agree with you on your thoughts about Palffy. CP brought in Palffy specifically for a goal scoring punch not really leadership. Only problem with Palffy was the fact that he had only one arm while playing with us. After he injured it in 04 he had 2 re-constructive surgeries to try and fix it. I know from own experience after an injury like that you are never the same. Still he did put up 42pts in 42 games. Getting Palffy was a risk everyone knew we were taking. Naslund might be exactly what we we need to establish us as a team to fear, who knows he might be revitalized playing next to a bunch of superstars. He put up 104 pts with Bertuzzi and Morrison on his line. As long as he scores 25 or more goals in a Pens uni he will have covered what Ouellet and a Malone give on a regular basis. Get him in here.

Andrew said...

Whoever the anonymous person who wants Straka back...I love you. We need to Martyize this Pens team!

ex-pat Pittsburgh girl said...

Classic! I had to shut my office door because I was laughing so hard. I'm torn though. I see pro's and con's, in which case the Pens should do nothing at this point in time.

eh jeh said...

Great post!

This was so awesome that I almost stopped feeling bad that John LeClair was waived. Then I realized that I never really felt bad about that in the first place... but the post is still awesome.

Dennis said...

Great job on this guys

Adam said...

We've gotten overall great feedback.
Thanks everyone.

But we have long-craved someone to tell us that the blog sucks and we shouldn't be alive.

We got one from LetsGoPens.com message board.

He didn't disvalue our lives, but he said the layout for the blog sucks and that "the blog would be comical if this was 1970"

I don't even know what that means.

Someone else discouraged the wheelchair/Travis Roy joke.

We might have a "make fun of ourselves" post one night...just to even everything out.

Preview: I can't swim.

Dennis said...

The guy who said that also spelled the word "sentence" wrong...haha.

Adam said...

hahaha

we aren't gonna stoop to that level.

people have the right to criticize.

dennis, you are kicking ass on pitthoopsblog.blogspot.com

Dennis said...

Thanks man

Derek said...

hey all just wanted to let everyone know the recap is coming, but blogger is being a dick....

go pens

Tee said...

solid gold baby.

Anonymous said...

Are you flirting with me Andrew??? hehe

My heart broke the day Marty left our crippled hockey town 2 years ago. He played hard and left his heart and soul on the ice every night just like our kid Sid does. I would love nothing better than to see Sid flying down the ice with Straka in tow on his wing. Unfortunately, I fear that we will both have to love Marty from afar.

Tam

ps - What a year he is having!! 31 points!! Rock on Mr Straka! (just not when playing against the Pens)

Brandon said...

any rumors on Thibault leaving? the way he is playing, should we keep him? would we bring someone up or try to get another veteran?

thx

Anonymous said...

as with the lgp remarks... i tried promoting the site and some didn't enjoy it....big woop...i just think its funny that its my blog... lollerskates.

-canaan

Anonymous said...

yuck yuck yuck....i meant people think its my blog....hahaha...im an r-tard

Adam said...

as far as t-bo goes, he could definitely be trade bait.

he plays solid, but we haven't won any games he's played in.

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