Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Mario Lemieux Facts

102 times out of 100, we like to come up with our own original ideas for content on the Pensblog.
However, we were reading the Chuck Norris Facts that have spread like wildfire across the internet, so we thought: Mario Lemieux can do all that stuff, too.

MARIO LEMIEUX FACTS
(We have no intention of copying Chuck Norris facts, but one or two may have seeped into our subconscious. Please forgive us.)

  • It's a little-know fact that during the 04-05 lockout, there was an NHL all-star game. It was Mario Lemieux vs. himself; the game is still going on.
  • Mario Lemieux can score a hat trick...with only two goals.
  • Mario Lemieux can smoke two packs of cigarettes with one match.
  • There wasn't a second gunman on the grassy knoll that killed Kennedy. It was a Mario Lemieux slapshot that missed the net...and he wasn't even born yet.
  • Mario Lemieux can find the square root of a negative number.
  • The doctor couldn't catch Mario Lemieux when he came out of the womb...Mario Lemieux deked past him, got in his 'vette and drove home.
  • Mario Lemieux doesn't use a Mach3 razor...he uses a rusted pair of skate blades.
  • The Civic Arena is the house that Lemieux built. No, seriously, Mario Lemieux built it...by himself.
  • When Mario Lemieux chooses to hit the post with a slapshot, it registers an 8.2 on the Richter scale.
  • It's called the Richter scale because New York Rangers goalie Mike Richter almost died twice from a Mario Lemieux slapshot.
  • Mario Lemieux was first line center, with Jesus on right wing.
  • Mario Lemieux fired a slapshot into the ground...and it killed three people in China.
  • Area 51 isn't heavily guarded because of UFOs, but because Mario Lemieux trains there in the off-season.
  • Mario Lemieux wears hockey skates to funerals.
  • We, in fact, did find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: Mario Lemieux's slapshot and wrister.
  • The Mellon Arena doesn't need a zamboni; Mario Lemieux just breathes on the ice.
  • Mario Lemieux farts on sand and it turns into glass.
  • Mario Lemieux coughs and immediately gets credit for an assist.
  • The goal light never comes on when Mario Lemieux scores because the shockwave of his slapshot kills the goal judge.
  • Mario Lemieux can curve the blade of his stick just by looking at it.
  • Mario Lemieux's saucer pass is illegal in 17 states.
  • Mario Lemieux's hands are so good, he can give an instant orgasm to any creature...dead or alive.
  • Mario Lemieux can speak braille.
  • One time, Mario Lemieux passed a puck so hard that it went one week into the future...and Lemieux was there to accept the pass.
  • Mario Lemieux lost his virginity before his own father did.
  • Mario Lemieux's slapshots create crop circles.
  • Mario Lemieux can solve Sudoku puzzles by only using the number six.
  • Mario Lemieux can solve a rubik's cube with hockey gloves on. In 16 seconds.
  • Mario Lemieux once scored a goal in a celebrity softball game.
  • Mario Lemieux names his slapshots. His last one was named Katrina.
  • Mario Lemieux's average bowling score is 305.
  • Back in '86, Mario Lemieux skated from Los Angeles to New York in 22 minutes to score a goal on John Vanbiesbrouck. Blindfolded.
  • One time, Mario Lemieux played an 18-hole round of golf and shot a 14.
  • Mario Lemieux won the 1994 WWF Royal Rumble.
  • On April 24, 1984, while playing for his junior team, Mario Lemieux got a 5-minute major for high-sticking. He scored twice during his penalty.
  • A Mario Lemieux slapshot brought down the Berlin Wall.
(Thanks to Tawm for the awesome Super Mario photo.)
Leave your own in the comments section.

35 comments:

ghost of randy cunneyworth said...

Mario Lemieux lost his virginity before his own father did.

lol

dennis said...

When Mario made his comeback, he got his number down from the rafters using his slap shot.

Brian said...

Mario Lemieux's slap shot is so fast it made Wayne Gretzky scream like a little girl when he first saw it.

Tawm said...

Mario Lemieux scored 117 of his 690 goals while using a goalie stick.

Adam said...

hahahahaha

Chris said...

Mario Lemieux has only two different kinds of shots: Goals, and pity shots.

Brett said...

Mario Lemieux has had domestic cum shots that actually impregnated two women outside the country... the spawn were named Evgeni and Sidney

Luke said...

Mario Lemieux does not believe in Sweden.

Jonathan said...

Mario Lemieux's first slapshot sparked the Big Bang.

An asteroid didn't kill the dinosaurs. Mario Lemieux did.

Mario Lemieux gave himself cancer so he could beat Death like a rented mule.

Mario Lemieux invented the word "jobber".

Anonymous said...

chuck norris wears mario lemieux pajamas to bed.

Derek said...

hahaha great stuff guys

chris said...

HAHAHA....too awesome

Luke said...

Mario Lemieux once walked down the street with a throbbing erection.

There were no survivors.

Rory said...

Mario Lemieux once ate a whole birthday cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

chris said...

thanks for the great comments guys

will said...

Mario Lemieux quit hockey because of back pain. Good riddance, faggot.

Matt said...

Mario Lemieux scored his first goal on Darren Pang in 1987. Pang's hair never grew back after the game.

Weaver said...

Mario Lemieux doesn't have back pain. His back is too frightened to try it.

so fresh so fly said...

anyone can find the square root of negative numbers, you just use imaginary numbers. for example the square root of -9 is 3i

Anonymous said...

One time, Mario Lemieux played an 18-hole round of golf and shot a 14. Whoever came up with this one sucks. All the others were funny. It doesn't even make sense unless you're trying to say he sucks.

chris said...

to whomever commented above this...par on an 18-hole round of golf is 72...Mario Lemieux shoots a 14. you read it wrong my friend.

so fresh and so fly -

Mario Lemieux does it with out imaginary numbers...dick

Danatural08 said...

Mario once hocked a lougy, researchers found Mike Richter's heart in it.

Mario has a cock the size of Gabe's nose.

The Devil sold his soul to Mario to get him to retire and give New Jersey a chance.

Micheal Jordan and Larry Bird bet Mario he couldn't deflect a slapshot off an airplane into Japan...moments later the town of Hiroshima was gone.

Gregg said...

Columbia & Challenger did not explode, they simply entered Lemiuex's awesomeness too fast

Mario Lemieux once heckled Michael Richards. We all know how that turned out.

The Virgin Mary was impregnated by Mario

Mario flooded the streets of Venice just so he can freeze them and show Italians that the Ferrari is not the fastest thing on land. He is.

Stonehenge is the site of Mario's first game of 3 bar against himself

Adam Grave's used a composite stick, Kryptonite shaft reinforced with Samson's hair

Pamela Anderson's favorite position is "the Lemieux"

The character James Bond is closely based on Lemieux, Mario Lemieux

God calls him Mr. Lemieux

Lemieux can walk on water. He just choses to freeze it and skate on it b/c its faster

Not only did Mario score on his first shot on goal, his children were conceived in the same manner.

Women who have slept with Lemieux often report feeling like a "rented mule" the next day

Wayne Gretzky is Mario's ball washer.

Lemieux has 152 nights when he scored more than once, of course, that's depends on the NHL's definition of "scoring"

Everytime mario says "uuuuuh" during an interview, he is actually leaving his body, entering the body of a young junior player, and scoring a goal.

Mario always took on two at once and scored. Same applies in the bedroom.

Lemieux is the only man to pull of the Shish-ka-whore, three women all at the same time, literally

Lemiuex volunteered to be the only man invading Europe on D-day, and quickly end the war with one slapshot. Unfortunately, Eisenhower was a Gretzky fan and declined the offer

It was not Brutus that killed Caesar, it was Caesar's Lemieux-envy that killed him

Lemieux does not poop, he lets out extra awesomeness his body can no longer hold back

the great wall of china was built to keep Lemieux out. It failed

Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The tooth fairy and Mother Nature all exist. They are Lemieux

A young Lemieux perfected his shot by practicing shooting pucks from atop the USX building. The pucks landed to form the islands of Hawaii.

Jas said...

Mario Lemieux once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!

Mario Lemieux's poop is used as currency in Paraguay.

Biby Cletus said...

Nice post, its a really cool blog that you have here, keep up the good work, will be back.

Warm Regards

Biby Cletus - Blog

Ashley said...

damn you guys had the same idea as me, but i used gary roberts instead...

Matt sieg said...

Mario lemieux is such a duche bag that even Donald Trump refers to him as "a massive tool."

jkraus67 said...

Mario Lemieux's deceptive speed was revealed in his third NHL game when he skated fast enough to receive his own two-line pass.

jess said...

I suffer from a lot of back pain due to a car accident when I was a child. When it happened I was in pain for a while but after I healed I had very little trouble until I was 15 and my muscles started to develop, I started getting a lot of lower back pain and have suffered with it ever since. That is until recently when I stumbled across memory foam mattresses. They adjust to the shape and weight of my body to support my back perfectly and let me sleep soundly. I can’t even imagine being able to sleep without my memory foam mattress anymore!

Sébass619 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sébass619 said...

let's be clear, I don't really like Pittsburg Penguins (I'm from Montreal, so I'm a Canadiens lover), but Mario Lemieux is the greatest of all time, without a doubt.

A lot of people don't know that Mario Lemieux once scored from his own territory. He shot on the post of his net so hard that the puck flew to the Flyers' top corner. Then the puck coninued his road and finished in the maple leafs' goal, giving montreal the win in overtime.

Adelante4 said...

Superman!!

Jason from Memory Foam Pillows

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